2018, Year of ups and downs

I’ve been back in Wisconsin for over a year now. Came back last year in September and went through a good bit of adjustment in my life. Last October my best friend Paula had to go to Mayo Clinic to figure out what they were going to do about her acoustic neuroma which is or was a small benign tumor in her ear. I went with her and Sean to find out what her options were and then later her and I went to Mayo together when they did the gamma knife treatment.  This was in January this year.

In January, I was still smoking cigarettes but had decided after my aunt Sue had a massive heart attack on Christmas Eve last year and had to be put in a medically induced coma that perhaps it was time for me to stop smoking. So on Valentine’s day this year I quit smoking and did so by smoking my last cigarette that day and starting the nicotine patch and also got a vape pen with no nicotine. I’m off the patch and surprisingly still going strong with not smoking but this year has definitely challenged me in many steps.

I think it was in April after doing genealogy for over 25 years I was surprised by a woman that contacted me and told me that she had a DNA test done and that she was looking for her father.  This lead me to talks with my Dad and getting to know my aunt Julie. I decided to do the DNA test and then had my Dad tested around Father’s day and then this summer we had my Grandmother tested. I’m still trying to sort through a lot of information and piece some things together I look at it as gaining more family. In June we had our family reunion and it was nice to catch up and meet family I’d never met before.

Sometime in June I started staying with my boyfriend.  I started my Bachelor’s degree in science and information technology in March and every 6 weeks the classes change. As of now I’ve taken a leave of absence from my classes to help me process everything that I’m going through right now.

July was hard. It started off not too bad because after 20 year lapse I got a job back in radio working with Duff Damos again. I am still working there at this time even though we have a couple weeks off at this time.  At the end of July my heart broke the first time when I heard Luna in the kitchen making noise. I ran into the kitchen and she was breathing very badly and when I tried moving her she was very limp and I knew something was terribly wrong.  I called Paula and my Dad and Paula arrived first and Luna passed away in my arms at only 5 years of age. I felt like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on. We buried her the next day next to Buddy, my Dad’s golden retriever.  Paula brought 5 monarchs to release and both Anie and Alex (her kids) were there.

A couple days later as I was trying to work on my classes for school I received a text from the brother of an old friend from New York City. I called Michael to find out that my friend Steve of over 20 years passed away over the weekend. I was still reeling from Luna’s death when I found out about Steve. I also desperately wanted to take some time off from school.

Moved from my boyfriend’s apartment into a house in the short break I had off from school. There have been ups and downs. and moving in general sucks. People argue and it’s just plain never fun.

October sucked major donkey balls. One night when my boyfriend picked me up from the radio station after work he was telling me how Dexter pissed and shit on the floor and was running or sliding into walls. I don’t know what all that happened but I got home and he had some blood by his nose and was sneezing blood and I was still reeling from Luna passing. I was scared and held him and comforted him and didn’t know what happened and I still do not know what occurred.  When I was at my allergy shots on Monday I came home and couldn’t find Dexter. My boyfriend showed me his hand which had scratches on it and said that he scratched him and he put him into the nook after he pissed on the floor. After he left Paula was with me and we took Dexter to the vet because one of his eyes was watering and I found him in the litter box. Dr. French checked him out and did a blood test  and gave him antibiotics and said that Dexter was very stressed. So I took him home and set him up in my room and tried comforting him. Brought his litter box and food and water to my room and started him on his antibiotics. The vet figured that with Luna passing and the move that it was a lot of stress on him and I didn’t want to lose him. He seemed to be getting better after I was done with the antibiotics but was still skittish.

My uncle Louie passed away in the meantime and I was pretty upset even though it was a long term illness it was hard to say good bye to a nice man.  On Sunday I attended his funeral. I’ll talk more about Louie later.

Then on Monday I had an allergy shot again and was called in to go to work and when I had my Dad take me home I was calling for Dexter and went into my room and he didn’t come out. I looked and seen that he was under my bed and when I moved the hope chest I found his body and he was already cold and stiff. I was beyond distraught and felt like someone ripped me to shreds. I called my Dad to come back and we took Dexter to his house and he told me to grab some things and come stay with him and so I did. Two days later I stayed at my friend Lisa’s for her birthday.

Losing both cats has about killed me. I cannot describe the pain I’ve felt since Dexter died. I went to the Dr. and increased my anxiety medication and added xanax and something to help me sleep but it’s hit and miss with me.

This has caused major issues between me and my boyfriend. I feel he doesn’t get why I was so attached to my cats and keep telling him how they helped my anxiety and that they are like my babies and now my babies are gone. He has done a lot for me in the past year especially with money. He gave me money to pay off my phone, pay my phone bills, for food, took me out to eat, gave me little gifts and I am very thankful for all of this. He helped me pay to have my taxes done and other things as well. We have had arguments because he does not feel I’m thankful or grateful for the things that he has done for me and feels that I am selfish and ungrateful and that I don’t think of his feelings or consider him.

He was there the night Luna died in my arms and he was trying to tell me why I shouldn’t take her to the hospital. I see his point of view because he was thinking it is just a cat and I don’t work that much and so when Paula got there I knew Luna was passing and I didn’t think there was anything that could’ve been done at that time to save her. I feel guilty for not taking her to the vet and trying. I also feel guilty about Dexter and don’t know what I could’ve done differently.  All I know is that I’m hurting and my boyfriend and I are on different ends of this argument and it’s killing me.