How I lost my babies

It’s more than hard for me to look at this State VS Randy J Holt and think that it’s just a cat. It’s just a piece of property. In the state of Wisconsin pets are viewed as property. Which is why during my injunction hearing for the restraining order came to play the judge explained that the restraining order was for domestic violence. How? Because he destroyed my property. I am glad I was rewarded the max of four years but it is still a piece of paper and this man who is soon to be possibly facing trial murdered my cat, my property, my baby (in my opinion). I’m 45 years old and I will not likely have children so the pets (mainly cats because I enjoy them most) give me comfort and I treat them like children. I spoil them like children.

Luna was a feral cat that was born outside in near an oil field site near Pleasanton, Texas. Scott was hauling oil and this was a place he picked up at.  At the sites they have gate guards and he got to know them from going there. He noticed the cats while there and inquired with the gate guard about them and she stated she was just feeding them and that she didn’t own them. He asked about taking one and the lady had no disagreement so we went to the site and when I seen that tiny little calico kitten during the full moon I immediately fell in love with her and picked her. We got everything we needed to bring her home and took the little girl that barely fit in the palm of my hand home where I gave her a flea bath and then set up her litter box and food and water. Then proceeded to snuggle with this tiny creature which immediately took to me. She never made any messes other than occasionally throwing up but mainly that was from a hair ball or eating a bug.  Luna was always by my side and comforted me and slept with me every night and kneaded me and played fetch as well.

Gandalf was the second cat that we got. Scott found him when he went into Petco and came to me at Starbucks and told me I needed to come with him and I went into Petco and there was this tiny grey tabby with bright blue eyes. I fell in love with him immediately too and he was the greatest snuggler for everyone. He of course is still alive and well with Scott who’s in Michigan.

Dexter was a surprise for me. Scott came home one Saturday afternoon with what he said was a surprise. I was working overnights at the impound and was napping when he came in with the tiny little black kitten with bright yellow eyes. I couldn’t help but fall in love with those big ears and tiny black jelly beans. He was a character and a half from the beginning. Gandalf took to him immediately and they became buddies but it wasn’t as easy with Dexter and Luna but eventually they learned to co-exist with each other because they all loved me. And I loved them. Scott and I are separated and had separate rooms and all the cats would sleep with me on my bed when I was home. I didn’t lack for love and comfort while they were around and took plenty of videos and pictures of their antics. Dexter learned to fetch from watching me play fetch with Luna and honestly became just as good of a fetcher as she was. 

During Hurricane Harvey which was in Corpus Christi, Texas and surrounding areas were affected both Scott and I were working as cab drivers and before the storm hit we were told we should evacuate and we’d be given a cab to keep it safe until we could return. I contacted my step Mother and told her that we needed to evacuate the city and that there was an available hotel in Laredo. She called to set it up and I prepared the house by putting things up and unplugging things and placing art in a plastic tote and putting it in my bathtub in the bathroom. Then packed clothes and made sure we had supplies and we took all three cats, my Dad’s eagle painting and clothes to Laredo that Friday before the hurricane hit full force. I may return to talk about the hurricane more later but for now I just wanted to mention I kept my babies safe and Scott as well with the help of my parents.  Scott decided before the hurricane he was going to move to Michigan and on September 9th he left. I knew because of certain things that occurred and with the hurricane that I was not going to make it on my own with two cats in that apartment so I called my Dad again and my best friend Paula and also Jodi.  We came up with the plan to get me back to Wisconsin. Jodi talked to my cousin and then I did and it was decided that I was going to stay with him. My Dad told me to focus on getting a moving truck and boxes and make sure everything was in order and that he was going to fly down to help bring me home. And he did. My Dad who hates cities and driving booked a flight to come to Corpus Christi and in 5 days I had everything prepared and packed and mostly loaded before he arrived.

I made sure that the two cats I had Luna and Dexter were safe and happy during the entire long ride from Corpus Christi to Rhinelander, Wisconsin. My Dad was patient and kind and I’ll forever be in his debt for all the love and restraint that he had to not do the Dad thing and just help me get home. Back home to my hometown of Rhinelander.

We got back in record timing with two cats and two very tired adults and finally my babies were able to go into Joel’s which would be there new place for awhile.  I knew Randy for a long time and while I tried briefly to appease his attempts to date me it wasn’t something I was ready for or things were off. Of course a lot of hindsight is making everything blaring to me now. When I returned in 2017 and reconnected with Randy he wanted to spend time with me and soon it became obvious he wanted to be with me and as I think on it now I think I wanted it to work, I wanted to at least try because I didn’t want to be alone and so we did start dating.

Honeymoons (and no we didn’t marry) only last for a short while before people start showing their true colors. Randy was controlling, he needed to have me to himself. He didn’t like my friends, he hated Paula, hated Jodi and pretty much anyone that would take away from his time with me. He started in on little things to bring me down little by little. The way he didn’t like the way I kissed, the way he didn’t like how I chewed my food, the way I swore too much, talked too loud, walked too loud, embarrassed him, sang improper lyrics, drove badly. Nothing I seemed to do was good enough and it made me upset often and while I tried making him happy it made me unhappy because I had to hide being with Paula or going to therapy or other things. I never cheated on him. I was respectful to his Mother and to his boys. I seen an awful side of him little by little and it felt as if I was around Jekyll and Hyde.  He’d say how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and how wonderful I was etc and so on and then the flip-side was how little attention I gave him, that I ignored him, that I did nothing for him and that I didn’t love him and that I didn’t find him attractive, etc and so on. He scared me during these multiple and often arguments. I started getting panic attacks when these happened. I didn’t see what he was doing to me or was in denial of it. He would threaten to get a gun and end it all, multiple times. He would tell me no one would miss him and he should just end it all and I would be scared. I didn’t know what to do. Then things got worse when I started living with him. He couldn’t sleep in the same bed with me, said I moved around too much, I snored and he just couldn’t sleep with me so we didn’t. I slept on an air mattress and he slept in his bed most of the time in a locked room.  We would argue and he would make me feel like shit and I’d cry myself to sleep and he’d wake up and try kissing up to me as if nothing happened and everything was fine. This happened all the time. I started getting more stressed and it happened more because I would sometimes try to fight.

Then unexpectedly in July at the end of the month Luna I heard her in the kitchen and ran into the kitchen where she was breathing erratically. I didn’t know what to do and all Randy could say was it was a waste to bring her to the vet and that he wasn’t going to pay for it. I had just started working at NRG Media so I was starting to get some money in and I called Paula and my Dad and Paula came but only in time to watch my baby girl pass in my arms. I should’ve listened to Paula and brought Luna to the vet for that piece of mind to know was she poisoned? Did the asshole choke her? What did he do to her? I keep asking myself that over and over and I keep obsessing about it. Of course there’s nothing I can do now, my sweet baby girl is dead and died in my arms and is now buried next to my Dad’s dog Buddy.

As I stated before she died on Thursday, we buried her on Friday and on Tuesday while I was trying to do homework for my bachelors degree in science and information technology I got a text from my friend Steve’s number but it was his brother Michael.  I called him and I had known Steve since I lived in NYC and we had been friends through these years considering I left NY in 98 and he visited me here in 2002 and we would text and talk often and he would sent me bagels and Christmas cards.  I’m that friend that you meet. If I become close to you it’s like having a friend for life. I try my best to stay in touch, through Facebook or texts, phone calls, even letters. And some friends get my art.  But yea my friend Steve of 20 years passed away same week Luna died. Needless to say I felt crushed. Randy was no help to me. I held Dexter and cried myself to sleep for several nights when I did sleep. Things got worse and worse for me.

Randy was contacted about getting the land contract on the house next to the boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend of whom he worked with and probably still does. So we moved everything from his apartment and Joel’s and storage to the house in late August, early September. I’m not going to go through the timeline of bullshit that lead to him killing Dexter on October 8th and what a fiasco this entire thing has been for me. I had to lie and say I was staying with my Dad after I found Dexter dead under my bed when I stayed with Paula. I needed to grieve. I didn’t take Dexter to the vet and sure as hell didn’t know that he was beaten to death. And in the remaining days that I was living with Randy as his girlfriend I did change because I didn’t know what the fuck happened. I know the things I suspected and I was scared and distraught and had to go to the doctor to have my anxiety meds increased and add something for now daily panic attacks. I don’t find any of this shit fun. I wasn’t sleeping at night, I was always waking up and often to seeing him standing in the doorway before I locked my bedroom door. I was scared and getting sick all the time from stress and panic attacks and unsure but still in the process of figuring out if I have an  ulcer or some acid reflux issue or a gynecological issue.  I started trying to figure that out when I went to Aspirus had my shots and got initially seen to see WTF is going on with me. That night was the night Paula and I went to Randy’s place and I told him the doctors thought it best that I relax and stay calm and that I was going to stay with Paula. He told me again he was going to get a gun and kill himself. He argued with Paula telling her how oblivious she was to me and how I manipulate her and that I was just using her and that he wasn’t going to support me anymore and she could just deal with me. He told me he was going to change the locks and I had to get all my stuff and get out that night. There wasn’t any way that was going to happen. We argued for an hour and the Jekyll and Hyde thing happened. He was then ok and said we’d pick out a kitten the next day because it was obvious that I needed one and that we’d go trick or treating with the kids. That didn’t happen of course, he texted and wanted to only go with me to pick out a cat but I didn’t want to be with him alone. I had a gut feeling it wouldn’t turn out well for me. Plus Paula noted that when she went to the kitchen she seen the lock changing kit already on the table.  I believe wholeheartedly had I stayed that weekend or after I found Dexter dead that he would have murdered me and then killed himself. I still feel that with all my heart. I am terrified of him.

I have to lock the doors here and I don’t sleep well. And the more people I talk to about the upcoming trial the consensus is that the asshole is going to get off on probation. He MURDERED (strangled with one hand and beat my fucking baby 10 to 20 times in the head). This was no fucking accident. He’s a psychopath. He scares the living fucking hell out of me and I am trying to keep composed. I know this shit isn’t easy for you to read but try living with this fucking crap bottled in your brain every day. Remembering coming home and sing songing Dexter’s name to find him cold and stiff under my bed after having  been beaten to death and left for me to fucking find. And no mention of an attack, no scratches and no fucking remorse. Yes I’m angry but that won’t bring Dexter or Luna back to me and neither will him going to jail but I would like justice for Dexter and justice for most likely him aiding in Luna’s death as well. This was vicious and vindictive and fucking cruel. And yes I blame him but the hardest thing for me is not beating myself up every fucking day for not seeing the signs, not getting myself and my two babies out before this nightmare began.