Crazy upcoming week

So I haven’t written anything in about a week. Last post was about Jodi and her Father so what I should say is for my efforts last week came up short. That may sound a bit premature but I thought I’d get at least a text or something. I get she was busy and so was I but I took time out to write just about her and me. I also took time from Saturday to go and support her and her family.

Yes I had to leave early, I had to leave for Matt and Cassidy Emmer’s wedding which I promised and rsvp’d to Vicky and Randy that I would be there. I try my best to keep promises. People know this about me. I’m a loyal friend and person to know.

Tuesday I was invited to go to Paula and Bert’s birthday dinner Wednesday night. Wednesday was also the day that Petco made their big announcement about closing Dr’s Foster & Smith and that almost 300 employees were to be laid off in 60 days. This upset Sean and family understandably so. But we still met up at Bucketheads for dinner and drinks. Was nice to see everyone.

On Thursday I had my 6 month checkup with Dr. Edmondson who was thrilled with how things are going with my allergy shots. Soon as I said I’ll be going on monthly. He told me to hold off on changing any meds until after spring to see how I’m doing.

Friday was the double header for basketball which went fairly well. I felt tired after the games and anxious about Saturday. Paula went with me to the visitation so Dad and Sue could get ready for the wedding. We didn’t arrive as early as I wanted so only got to talk with Anna, Adalia and Angie before they started the ceremony for Bill’s life. As I said as they were playing the military song for him I had to quickly give Jodi her card, hug her and tell her I loved her but I needed to go and to call me. I sat next to Anna and Emeri and held Emeri’s hand. It was nice seeing the girls.

Sunday was a day to just relax and not think about much of anything. This week is so busy. Today I have my Obgyn in Wausau and Paula has her ivig. Then Tuesday allergy shots in morning and radio station at night. I also need to contact the Sheriff department, district attorney and figure out what’s going on since the preliminary hearing is Friday, January 18th. I’m frustrated and anxious and stressed. I just want it to be right and it to go well. Right now it isn’t right.

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Father’s and Daughters

I dedicate this entry to my best friend Jodi and in loving memory of her father, William Fourt.

Yes, I have been going through my own private hell for the past year and I know you have had plenty on your plate but for all the years we’ve been part of each others lives I’m not ready to give up. I know I’ve been a pain in your ass and you’ve been a pain in mine but that’s part of loving one another.

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William “Bill” Fourt
October 6, 1932 – January 3, 2019

I am truly sorry for the loss of your father, Bill.  I cannot imagine that pain and I don’t want to imagine it yet.  I know you loved him and I think that may be part of why you got into photography and part of why you became friends with me. I was more-so a photographer in high school and less of an artist. Then of course I also got into radio like your Dad did. He was a pretty cool cat and I enjoyed his company when I got to see him.

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Emeri and me at Meriter Hospital.

I may not have been there for all the milestones but I have been there for parts. When the girls were first born and still in the nicu I remember going to Meriter Hospital to see you and them and how excited I was to hold them. I absolutely loved spending Christmas together with you and your family and helping the girls get to sleep.

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Eden and I on Christmas Eve 2011

I still have the video from when I came home for my birthday and stayed with you my last night. I had so much fun with the girls and you and I got to spend quality time together on your trampoline and stayed up all night talking. Then you did my makeup at like 4am. I love you Jodi and I love Eden and Emeri, my god-daughters and the two other God Mother’s I share the title with as well, Adalia and Anna.

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Eden, me and Emeri, Lake in the Hills 2016

You’ve always been important to me, I wear the pendant you gave me every day, remember what it says? “A True Friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” I believe we both know the song in each others heart and I think we just need to remind each other what those words are.

The pendant I always wear.

In all my many moves I’ve always made sure tha the certain things are protected. I have the cherry blossoms on my dresser with the jewelry box from the baptism and have since framed the scroll you gave each of us which is also on my dresser. I do love you and the girls and I know it’s a difficult time and I want to be there for all of you.

The Cherry Blossoms & jewelry box.

 

I know a thing or two about loss, especially this past year and can tell you that I’m still grieving. It’s going to take time and there’s no one that can tell you how long you have to do it. Aside from losing my babies have my Uncle Louie and friend Steve to grieve for. I’m not saying I haven’t at all just that it’s ongoing.

Emeri & Eden

So let me be there for you and let me help. Remember I do love you, we’ve known each other too long to stop now.

Phase 2

Let me tell you a little about what this is like for me. First of all when something bad happens you find out who your friends are because they’re immediately at your side no matter how awful it is and my situation tested that to the fullest. It tested my best friend Paula probably the most and she’s been a trooper. She dropped everything to come without me even asking for her to come to my side when I told her I thought Luna was dying. I can’t commend or thank her enough for that or for sitting with me as I sobbed with the Son of a bitch that likely did it to Luna sitting across the room no where near me and me clueless and in shock and desperately trying to get a grip and holding Dexter.

After I calmed enough and it was late Paula told me that she would come get me to go bury Luna and had asked if the kids could come and I told her that they could. So the next morning Dad called to let me know he dug my Luna’s grave next to Buddy, the family golden retriever and I called Paula and she came with the kids and she had a small container with 5 monarch butterflies, one for each year of my Luna’s life.  The kids wanted to see Luna before we placed her into the ground and my Dad grabbed the blanket she was wrapped in and uncovered part of her and the kids asked why not uncover her completely and Paula explained to the kids that they didn’t want to see that because the cats eyes are open after they pass.  Anie and Alex took turns petting Luna and crying and saying their good-bye’s to my sweet girl. I also petted my girl before helping my Dad wrap her back in the blanket she’s had since she was a kitten and placing her into the ground. I helped my Dad place some dirt over her and asked the kids if they also wanted to and they did as well. Then when we were done Paula gave me the container to release the monarch’s and I opened it and took them out one at a time. They hung around the yard on my Dad’s flowers and on my hand for awhile and Paula, my Dad and the kids walked around the garden looking at different things my Dad planted. He showed them where he had some raspberries which made the kids happy and also gave them some rhubarb.

I was given shit from the son of a bitch for not including him on burying Luna. I said you didn’t want to be anywhere near me, you left me alone to cry myself to sleep and didn’t want anything to do with me today and didn’t think you needed a written invitation to go with me.  He didn’t want to fucking go. He didn’t want any part of it and he sure as fuck didn’t want me grieving or to deal with any of that. I did that on my own. Mostly crying at night and holding Dexter and desperately missing my girl.1372471_397665627023483_1515589289_o

During my grief with Luna in fact just 4 days later I found out my friend Steve Yang, from New York City died. His brother Michael texted me from Steve’s phone and I called him and he explained that Steve had a stroke and went into a coma and he had passed away on the weekend.  I still don’t feel I’ve properly grieved for my friend but I have a plan for that. It may not be a great plan but I found 7 cigars and I want to talk to Roger and Raja about sending them each 2 or maybe 3 and I keep one and us picking a date, maybe his birthday or something and talking and smoking his cigars and telling stories about times we had with Steve.

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Paula was there a lot during the whole time I was moving from the assholes apartment to the house where Dexter was murdered. She was bringing me to my allergy shots and to my therapist appointments and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. She encouraged me to go back into therapy and I knew I needed it and found out why between September and October with the series of unfortunate events.  The asshole was definitely increasing his wrath which I didn’t know for sure but when he got me from work and Dexter was in the cat nook sneezing blood with blood on his nose I knew something was amiss. But he said he was running into things. That was Friday and monday after my allergy shot on September 17th Paula and I brought Dexter in and that’s when I got the text about my “SHITBALL cat tore his hand open” with a pic and found Dexter in the nook with one eye practically swollen shut and covered in his urine. I was screaming that I felt that Randy did it and Paula tried saying we don’t know what happened. That’s why we take him in. When checked my Dr. French he showed signs of stress but seemed calm but we helped get the embedded carpeting out of his split and bloody nails.  I KICK myself every fucking day for not leaving at that moment. Every fucking day. Dexter would be alive. Except I didn’t leave Dr. French just said it was probably the move and Luna dying that upset him and she wanted him to take the antibiotic and to bring him home and make him comfortable so I did. I brought him home and brought his food and water and litter into my room where asshole and I didn’t sleep together cause he said he couldn’t but yet we were a couple. Or so he said. But it is all a bunch of bullshit. I’m fine that I slept without him. Especially now. I feel that he could’ve KILLED MY ASS in my sleep. And it pissed him off that I told him to leave Dexter alone and that I was taking care of him and that I had to give him antibiotics and keep him calm. I took care of my baby and he was getting better. I don’t know how the fuck or what the fuck that fucking monster of a man did on the 17th but Dexter mostly layed in my bed and ate and allowed me to comfort him and give him his antibiotics daily. He then started getting up and moving around more normally towards the end of the week but acted skittish when the asshole wanted to come in.

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Dexter slept with me the night of the 7th and played fetch with me as normal and ate and drank and loved on me and slept on the pillow next to me and I woke up with Dexter on the pillow and snuggled with him before getting ready to go get my allergy shot. I hugged him and kissed him and told him I loved him before I left for work and made sure he had food and water and his box was good. Then we know what happened after I got home on the 8th of October.

Paula came to my Dad’s to get me and we went to get my phone charger from work and then to Trig’s so I could get some ginger ale and something to maybe eat. I was dazed and sad and didn’t know what to think or anything. Paula didn’t know either. I called Alison the next day and we talked about the possibility of doing an autopsy and how much it would cost and I had to decide what to do. Paula took me to see my doctor at aspirus to increase my anxiety meds and give me something for panic attacks (aprazolam) and something to help me sleep (hydrozyzine) and the sleep stuff didn’t help me sleep especially while I was still living with the asshole. See I basically got to pretend I was find and not show him I was dying inside and that my world was falling apart without my babies. He wanted me all to himself and thought that by getting rid of them that would make it so I’d go to him. He was WRONG. I love those cats. They didn’t make me feel like shit about myself everyday, they didn’t complain I chewed too loudly or that I walked too loudly or every little thing was not good and bitch how bad of a girlfriend I was. The cats were always happy to see me and have me snuggle with them and love on them. They comforted me and my anxiety and little did I know until the 28th that HE took them away from me.

On Wednesday Paula and I went to my cousin Michelle’s so I could see Big Jane and some of the other horses after talking with Michelle. Jane gave me a big hug and it was comforting being with her and Paula. I talked to Paula and said we should probably bury Dexter because it was going to cost a bunch to get the autopsy at the time and so on a snowy Thursday we went to Dad’s and buried Dexter.  Frank helped my Dad dig the hole for Dexter since the ground was getting harder.  I took my Dad’s leather coat at that time because I hadn’t brought a coat with and it was sort of a security blanket at the time. That and the scarf that Paula arm knitted for me which I still wear.

I don’t know how to deal with my feelings most of the time and I don’t want to burden or overwhelm anyone with this cause it’s overwhelming to me.  So after spending almost an entire month living with Paula after finding out the asshole murdered my babies I wanted to give Sean and her time and space to be with each other and the kids and started processing my feelings through writing and talking to Joe and talking to my therapist. I’m still trying to reach out to new people to try to branch out of my comfort zone.

New Years as I stated was the first time I was in a house alone aside from Brodee and he wasn’t exactly snuggling with me all the time so I felt quite alone and had more time to think. I don’t want to overwhelm Joe either when we talk. So right now I’m having a difficult time. I don’t know people’s limits. I don’t know what I can and cannot talk about. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be like. I don’t know if I have to pretend I’m fine with everyone and just write and talk to the therapist and just feed everyone bullshit about how the fuck I’m really feeling.

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want any of this. I don’t want to deal with this myself but I have to. And I’m upset cause I feel I have to pretend and write and talk to therapists or find other alternatives. I get it though it isn’t something anyone wants to hear.

On New Years Day

All is not necessarily quiet on New Years Day. And sometimes everything changes on New Years Day… OK enough referencing U2’s song but can’t help listen to it at least once.

New year’s eve started with me going to get my allergy shots. I’m getting closer to having them once a month. We’re skipping next week, then shot, skip following and then I think we’ll be starting monthly. Between quitting smoking on valentine’s day this last year and the allergy shots my breathing and lungs are much stronger. I’ve been removing allergy meds as we’ve started this process and I feel great.

I went to a local grocery store to peruse the wine and sparkling wine selection. When Joe finished his half day he called and we were trying to find the same wine. Of course his store was much bigger and fancier and I’m utterly jealous of the selection. We did a video conference together and I was amazed that where he was reminded me of a Sam’s Club but for liquor. Only not bulk items just the size of the store. They have beer taps and a whole section of tables with chairs to sit and enjoy a wine tasting. I’m not taking anything from Cellar 70, for the size of this town is big and has a very respectable collection of wines, liquors and beers. But I will be going to Joe’s gem he found.

After picking out wines I left to get back to Dad’s to check on Brodee and relax and put some ice on my arms. It’s a relief for the pain and I take a Benadryl as well. I’m more than acquainted with the drill.

So what does one do miles away on new years? We watched movies, shared wine and we talked about everything. We have talked a lot more since we reconnected and he’s been very supportive and has a way of calming me.

My demons do get in the way at times. And my demons have surfaced….I say demons but they’re haunts, fears and what I endured way too long. I did feel trapped. I was made to feel that way and made to feel like nothing or no good. Fear crept in, bound me and my anxiety returned full force and there was no stopping it. I didn’t know what kind of monster I was with. I didn’t and don’t know what he did to my sweet girl and likely never will and not sure at this point if my heart could handle knowing. Was hard enough thinking he was at fault but not being sure even after finding Dexter dead. Not really knowing what happened. And not knowing for 20 days for sure that he murdered my Dexter. I don’t need to be told about Luna, I feel it. I know in my heart and I have to forgive myself for not seeing it and being so afraid and not letting him fail to carry out his constant threat to kill himself. But when you’re feeling worthless as I was wondering why the fuck it won’t just end, it’s hard. I know he wouldn’t have done it but I fear that I wouldn’t have been so lucky. Pretty sure if I didn’t move in with him he would’ve just killed me. So this wouldn’t be as it is. I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be anything.

But I’m not dead. I’m here and my babies suffered his wrath. He wanted to do that to me, he wanted me to hurt and wanted to break me. I am broken but not completely. What I have that he can’t and has never felt a fucking day in his life is LOVE. He loves no one, not even himself. He has no feelings of remorse or feelings at all. He’s a psychopath. I might be crazy from anxiety and the bullshit he put me through but I am also determined and much fucking stronger than he EVER gave me credit for. He will never control me ever again. He will never have me ever again. Not in any lifetime. NEVER again.

As fucked up as it all may seem I’m getting stronger every day. I will continue to try to get him to have maximum penalty. I will continue writing and fighting for justice for my babies. I will continue to try to work to change the way the laws are to something more severe. Animals dogs, cats, birds, reptiles…whatever they may be… isn’t just ownership. They’re not a coffee cup, they can’t be replaced. For many they are therapeutic and family. It’s not fucked up. I’m not alone in thinking these fur babies were my babies. No I didn’t give birth but I had them as babies and raised them and played and cried and had them until their unfortunate and untimely deaths.

I’m not just grieving, I’m trying to get past being abused, being controlled, being put down and to feel like nothing. It isn’t easy. Sometimes all I need is someone to hold me, hold my hand, listen and hear me or read my endless rants. I need those friends and family (and you know who you are) to remind me of who I was our help me find that new version. Help me laugh. Help me cry. Help me be me and just love me.

2018 Some final thoughts

For those consistent followers you should know that 2018 was a brutal year for me. When 2018 begun there was the scare with what was going to happen at Mayo Clinic with Paula and the gamma knife. I had looked up what they were going to do for her procedure and knew about the halo being screwed to her head and I thought she also was aware of it. Only reason Sean couldn’t go with was in order to get Paula to go have this he agreed to move forward with the hip replacement surgery. Gamma knife surgery was successful.

I started my bachelors degree for science and information technology online despite what anyone said. I felt it would be something useful and would help for better jobs. I maintained the deans list while active even after Luna’s passing but when Dexter died everything came to a screeching halt. I decided to press to get time off from school again against Holt’s wishes to continue school even though I felt I was losing my fucking mind. I did it behind his back, it was my decision to do and all he wanted to do was control everything. He thought that if I focussed on school that it would help me out of my funk. I could barely function after both my babies died. So it was more than a smart decision to place school on hold before I even knew he murdered Dexter and very likely Luna.

What I went through isn’t something I’m proud to admit. Holt didn’t like my best friend Paula and didn’t like that I wanted to go to therapy cause he believed that is why we stopped corresponding in the past. He didn’t like Paula cause he said she told him to stay away from me. He was also jealous of anything that took me away from time with him. He wanted full control of everything. How I ate food, how I drank, how I talked, what I said, corrected me, corrected my singing, nitpicked the shit out of me. This slowly but surely broke me down. I felt like I lived with Jeckyl and Hyde. There were times he would tell me how much I meant to him and that I was such a sweet girl and he couldn’t imagine his life without me and then the flipside telling me how I didn’t appreciate him and what he did for me and that I was just using him and how I was going to leave him. That I didn’t love him or respect him. How I treated him like shit. When in reality he did help me with money, getting me things I needed, helping me with my cell phone and taxes. He would also buy me things he thought I needed and some things I wanted. I can’t be bought and I kept getting frustrated as time wore on about all his complaints and the Jeckyl and Hyde just made me angry all the time and resentful. But felt I had to pretend and go along with it.

Then in July when I heard Luna in the kitchen and all he did was just stand behind me about 10 feet away as I was freaking out trying to figure out what was going on with my girl and him stating how he wasn’t going to pay for that and it was a waste of time. My heart was breaking and I was desperate to figure out what was happening and so I called Paula and my Dad and Paula rushed over to Randy’s on Bing Street where I was living with him (and again in separate rooms cause he couldn’t sleep with me). He would lock his door and had other strange behavior while I was there. When Paula came as I stated before Luna passed away in my arms. My Dad and Sue showed up shortly after and we brought her down in part of her carrier and Dad had a tote to put her in and I wrapped her in her favorite blanket. It was late and Dad suggested that we wait until morning to bury my girl.

Paula came back up and let me cry and held my hand as I held Dexter and cried my eyes out. Eventually calmed down enough to where she went home and I went into my room with Dexter and cried and held Dexter all night. Holt never came near me and gave me shit for shutting him out and said I didn’t want him near me. He didn’t fucking try. He didn’t give a fuck. In hindsight I don’t know what he did to her but pretty sure he aided in her untimely death.

The next morning Paula contacted me and she said she was going to come pick me up and she had Anie and Alex with her and a cage with 5 monarch butterflies and we went to my Dad’s. The kids wanted to see Luna before we buried her and petted her. Dad dug her grave in the morning and after the kids and Paula and I said our good-bye to my Luna we placed her in the grave next to Buddy and buried her. Then Paula gave me the monarch cage and we released the five monarchs for every year of Luna’s life. The butterflies hung around and I took pictures of them and then we went inside with Dad and talked for awhile before I went over by Paula and the kids.

Things progressively got worse after that. The weekend after Luna died my friend Steve from New York City passed away and I didn’t find out until that Tuesday as I was trying to do my homework for school. I was frustrated and distraught and felt like I was going to lose my mind. I managed to finish my Environmental Science assignment and wrote to the professor for my IT class telling him that I was going to be late on the current assignment for his class. He understood and felt bad for me. Pretty much everyone outside of Holt was understanding and supportive. He just wanted me to bury it, not talk about it, not cry, not grieve. And that made me angry.

Before Luna passed I had started working for NRG Media and covered the country festival and Duff told me that I was going to be doing work with the sporting events. It didn’t take me much to get into the swing of things even after a 20 year absence from radio. Working with Duff again has been a pleasure and I’m once again making him proud since things have settled and I’m more focused. Working with Jeremy Mayo and Ben Meyer has also been a pleasure for me. I look forward to directing/engineering the games and our little chats on breaks.

There are times where I wonder where I got my strength but I also look at my past and things I’ve gone through more currently and know this is very likely why. It helps having my family, really good friends like Paula, Sean, Joleen, Joe, Jennifer and Aaron…. there are more but these mentioned have really been there for me through the major bullshit part of this. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers from Animal Welfare organizations and people who helped get the petition together. The patience that Michael Schiek had the other day in listening to my side of things and me presenting him with the evidence I have. It surprised me when he mentioned I’m strong because I often feel I’m not as strong as I am. There are times I feel very broken and weak and shattered and I try to hold it together and put my brave face on and do what I need to do. But my close friends and family know just how hard it has been and have wiped my many tears and gave me lots of love, hugs and support. And I love you guys for that. Without you I couldn’t have made it this far.

Christmas 2018

On Christmas Eve I had an intimate evening with my Mom and her fiance Jim at their house. We talked, listened to music and ate and laughed. It was intimate and perfect for what I needed. It was a lovely evening and Mom got one of her pictures printed on canvas for me and it’s lovely. I’m happy to have one of her pictures.

I had my allergy shot in the morning and was really tired and wasn’t really up for doing the busy night at Grandma’s so it was easier for me to have something much more intimate. Which is what I had Christmas Eve with Mom and Jim and when I got home I had a lovely conversation with Joe. Reconnecting with him has made 2018 not seem as bad as it has been. Not everything in 2018 was bad but I’ve had some truly fucking awful things happen in a year.

So Christmas day I told my Dad that I wanted to join them to go out for Chinese and so we did. Amazingly enough Peking was open and we had a good meal and went back to Dad’s and had a couple of drinks and talked and watched some Netflix. I had more Hibiki than I expected to which is going to make me cut this short for the night. I’d say all in all Christmas was nice and intimate for me.

I’m going to be busy this week since I have therapy and work and the district attorney and then work Thursday and work Friday night and saturday morning. But for tomorrow after work I’m going to get a pizza and spend the evening with Grandma.

For now I’m going to take my sleepy ass to bed and maybe write tomorrow if I get time at work. Ciao for now.

Saturday

As the day came to be I knew it would be difficult to see him go and it was and is. But I told him it is not goodbye and that I would not say it and so we did not. The time that we spent together was the best gift I was given. I cannot be sure of how the cards will play out but I do know there’s work that I must do and I must get stronger and I plan to and am trying. I have been trying even though there are people who feel that I’m fruitlessly hanging onto any hope. What is life without hope? Would you not fight for justice if it were something you loved? Something that you made sacrifices for to keep safe? Just because it isn’t human doesn’t mean it wasn’t alive… doesn’t mean it didn’t have feelings or that I didn’t have feelings. Don’t so easily dismiss that. Cause I do not and I don’t feel that anyone wishes me not to have had loved or to love. Love is what we all need and I do love and have loved.

Photo by George Dolgikh on Pexels.com

This week is Christmas and the following is New Years. This coming week of Christmas I will be having my allergy shot and deciding what I want to do for Christmas. I’ll be meeting with the District Attorney this Thursday before work where I will be presenting what I have collected and likely the petition, along with my timeline and asking a lot of questions and hopefully getting some answers. I’ll be working a good bit and get to spend some time with Brodee soon.

For now I need some rest…. not complaining about lack of rest at all. Enjoyed every waking moment.

My Frustration

I feel I’ve been working towards trying to get justice for Dexter and Luna with contacting Animal Rights Activists and groups and having them help me start the petition in hopes to make it so Randy gets the maximum penalty that is on the table instead of looking at the fact that he doesn’t have a prior record and looking at it as Dexter (which is the only one he admitted to murdering) is a piece of property in the eyes of the law.  It’s more than frustrating for me to talk to my advocate which imho is someone that’s supposed to be on my side and I’m not saying that she hasn’t been but talking to her about the evidence that I’ve been collecting from the Vet, my timeline and getting it straight, contacting the DA and getting a meeting signed up with him and never hearing back from the victim coordinator who is supposed to be some kind of liason between me and the DA. Also calling the Sheriff Department and talking to John K the one that was at the house and explaining about the items that I know are missing. When I talked to my advocate about that and my petition it was a bitter pill to swallow that she feels for all my effort of what I’m doing that Randy is just going to be given probation and I said what the fuck about my rights? What about the fact that I’m terrified of him. I have a four year restraining order against him. What about the emotional and mental abuse that I endured and about the items that he decided to take that were mine. She said what if he lies and said he doesn’t have them or that I did take them. I said I have witnesses my Dad, Paula, etc that were there that know what was removed from the house. She said likely I won’t get the movies or the litterbox, cat carrier, chopsticks or coffee cup and yes I’m aware these are things and things can be replaced but it’s a continued way that he is fucking with me.  I don’t think it’s fair at all that he gets to murder my cats, torment the fuck out of me and make it so I’m terrified of him because I am pretty sure he wanted to do exactly what he did to Dexter that he wanted to do to me. So if he gets probation and gets to stay out of jail that’s not going to help my anxiety.  So I’m going to have to continue working on breathing, visualization and writing and my efforts to try to change the laws. It’s more than unfair what I went through with that man did to me to break me down in a year and the worst being taking away both of my babies who I raised from kittens. They helped me with my anxiety. They were without papers therapy cats and my Drs and therapist agree they were and now they’re gone and I’m on a higher level anxiety medicine and one for panic attacks. Which is something I didn’t need while I had them. I loved my babies and spoiled my babies and I have over 21k people that already signed the petition and I am grateful they all did. What I hate is that I let the advocates words burn through me like wildfire and take the wind out of me. I was so pissed that I wanted to hang up the phone on her.  While I love my Dad he’s also given me the grave thoughts of what is most likely to occur and all the fuck I want is his support and love. I want hope and it was giving me hope that this is something possible and it hurts when I already have that doubt but I’m trying to do my best for hope to get more than just a fucking slap on his wrist with probation. Would you trust this asshole after he murdered your cat? Would you want him as a co-worker? A neighbor? Would you trust him with your child? Your best friend? I DO NOT. NEVER AGAIN.

So that’s my big rant for today. I got to see my friend Jamie and hang out with her and Joe this morning. It was great seeing her and talking with her. We also took pictures together which I’ll definitely cherish.  I know I will be able to see her sooner than I will Joe because he’s going to be leaving to go back to Ohio.  Joe and I had lunch together at Cross Country Bar and played a couple games of pool. I have enjoyed him being here this week and I will miss him and don’t look forward to having him depart on Saturday. But I know that I’ll be busy and he’ll have work and we will be in touch every day that we can.

For now I’ll bid you a good night and spend more time with him. Ciao for now.

Working Wednesday

I may be working and it has been steady on and off today which is nice because it makes the day go by much faster. I enjoy both my jobs for different reasons. Working at the radio station is fun for me and I enjoy directing/engineering Hodag Sports and the occasional commercial that they throw my way. All the people I work with at NRG and Jeremy and Ben (the voices of Hodag Sports) are funny and entertaining to work with. Of course working with Duff Damos again after 20 years is always a pleasure. Finally told him when I started working again that he was one of the big reasons that I wanted to be in radio. He’s genuine and personable and an honor to work with.

Still Smoking has been very interesting and fun to work at as well. I’ve learned a lot more about different products available and about cbd oils. I currently vape it and have the oil and also a balm similar to icy hot but works much longer. CBD oil has many benefits and I enjoy talking with people that come in and tell me stories of how it’s working for them. I recommend it for pain and anxiety and my best friend uses it for her children to help with epilepsy and anxiety.

I went to therapy yesterday and had plenty to discuss and it’s amazing what can happen in a week. We talked about spending time with Joe and how we’re reconnecting and what happened in the past and how it’s different now.

We went on to discuss the petition and what the purpose of the petition and about the other sites contacting me in regards to more petitions. I have yet to figure out between a couple groups that are helping me on how or what I should do in regards to the petitions. It sounds as if Change.org and Care2 are ones that you write up yourself but I don’t want to detract away from the current petition in place. But at the same time the petition in place has had over 20k signatures which is a lot and much appreciated. I just wonder if there’s somehow more I can do or others can do to push it a bit more.

I do have a future plan as well in regards to working (and I know it’ll be a slow process) on how to change the laws to make them more severe and to make it so it doesn’t view animals as property but part of the family, living beings, loving beings, great for therapy, needed and always always loved and spoiled. It’s going to take a lot of work and probably years to change people’s minds in regards to that but I’m willing to put up a good fight. I’ll fight for Dexter and Luna and ones in the past and future. I don’t want anyone to go through this heartache, this bullshit, the anger and crying and emotional rollercoaster from hell I’ve been on. Most of all I want justice for Dexter, justice for Luna and justice for myself. I don’t like being scared and yes there are days I am scared, almost terrified and other days I’m so pissed off and filled with sickening rage that I can’t eat or sleep.

My therapist and I also talked about what I think is the heartbreaking truth about my sleep issues. While I was still living with him after Luna died, my sleep issues began but I at least had Dexter at my side to hold and comfort me and cried so many nights and mourned my sweet girl. Then moving into the house and not much time before my world came crashing around me when I found Dexter dead. My sleep worsened even with the increase in prozac and adding hydroxizine to help me sleep. I think my mind wanted to figure out what the hell happened and just kept playing everything over and over and waking up to see the asshole standing in my room some nights was creepy as fuck in hindsight. Then finding out 20 days later after the weekend I was just staying at Paula’s to relax and help her with the kids to find out that the asshole murdered my boy about killed me. It was my mind trying to figure out what he did, how he did it, what he did to my baby. Even reading the words from what the Sheriff stated from his statement to the police my mind felt like it wanted to crack and heart ripped out. I believe at this point that Shannon (dr) changed the anxiety med to Effexor and put me on clonazapam to help with the daily panic attacks that the waking thing was me having recurrent nightmare of picturing the asshole strangling and beating my boy and dropping him, cleaning him up, gluing his eyes closed and putting him under my bed and cleaning the room and somehow with a shit eating grin of satisfaction for himself. The reason I feel this was what was waking me is the other night I had that clear nightmare and woke distraught and shaking. I shook a lot in the first two weeks after finding out about the murder and I still shake at times and sometimes it’s in conjunction with my multiple anxiety attacks in a day and other times it’s reading something or thinking something or however my brain is processing thoughts at the moment.

I know I really need to try to stop beating myself up for being with the asshole, letting him control me, letting him mentally and emotionally break me down. Also for what he did to my babies. It’s easy for others to look from the outside and say there are signs and this and that. It’s not as easy when you’re living with Jekyll and Hyde. Anyone who remotely thinks I wanted this for myself or that I wouldn’t do anything for Dexter & Luna doesn’t know me at all. They were my babies, even after he said that it was fucked up for me to think of them as my babies cause they were pets. They helped me stay sane, they helped with my anxiety, they made me feel loved and I know I was their Mommy. Anyone that loves pets would say the same thing. I didn’t want them to suffer, to have pain or be tortured or abused and sure as FUCK didn’t want them to be murdered. I will forever love them and I don’t feel I’m wasting my time by doing the petition, making sure news and the DA and Judge and Sheriff’s department and everyone else has the facts straight and what this means to me. I will be doing a memorial tattoo for my loves and I will be working on legislation for better justice.

For the animals, for the animal lovers. For the furbabies, for the pet parents for love and justice for all.

My weekend

I took a couple days off from writing and enjoyed some time with Joe who arrived in town on Saturday. It was a busy day for me that day since I worked both jobs but the time went by quick and I was surprised when he arrived early. Not completely mind you since I knew that when I spoke with him earlier in the day while he was driving that he had already made it to Wisconsin.  We went to Bucketheads which is a local bar and joint to get burgers and a much needed long island iced tea and took the burgers to go. I’ve been enjoying the time we’ve been spending together.

As promised we spend Sunday together beginning with breakfast at Dinky Diner where he had the gyro omelette which I did get to try which I’ll have to remember to get when I’m in the mood. I of course got the veggie omelette and added ham…. and yes before anyone mentions it I know it ceases to be veggie when adding ham I just enjoy all the veggies in my omelette.  Then we decided to take a trip down to Wausau where we went to the Leigh Yawkey Woodson Art Museum. They had a couple new exhibits up and one of them was quite trippy, especially when you put 3-d glasses on to view the exhibit. The other had birds and since I had missed the Birds in Art Exhibit with all the crap I’ve been dealing with I was very happy to see this exhibit.

We decided to go to the Wausau Mall next because we both wanted things from Bath and Body Works and spent a little walking around the mall. It was surprisingly busier than it was the last time I was there but I figured it was because it’s closer to Christmas.

We continued to Schofield Oriental Market where I bought some Jasmine tea and tea maker. I wanted to try to find some fancy chop sticks since that’s another one of the stupid things that I didn’t get back from the asshole we don’t want to mention.  I haven’t brought it up but here’s my rant on him aside from him murdering my cats and being verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive and controlling. I was looking the other day through some of my things and trying to put things away and not in the boxes when I discovered something quite disturbing… the fucker apparantly decided to keep or take some of my favorite movies such as (Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Monty Python & the Holy Grail, Fight Club, 7, Annie Hall, The Godfather trilogy, Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince and Pink Floyd’s The Wall).  I already talked with the Sheriff Tyler Young to talk about several of the issues I’ve had with my case of the murderous asshole and how they don’t have their facts straight and also adding about the missing items. I’ve left a message with the Sheriff that was at the house the day that I was there to get my things. There was no reason for him to take those particular movies aside from Harry Potter which was in the Playstation 3 which was the one he bought for me that actually played dvd’s and he gave me his instead and the case was on the tv stand… the other movies I never took out of the box of which I packed them in to begin with when was making the move to that horror house that I lived at with him. My sugar skull coffee mug is still mia as well and I know these are things and they can be replaced and it’s all bullshit and his continued efforts to piss me right the fuck off.

Enough ranting, after leaving the Oriental Market Joe and I decided to try a new place or us to eat which was Bamboo Hut Chinese & Thai. Joe had never had Thai food and I thought it was a great idea. We both had the Tom Yum Soup which was delicious and I had Kee Mow (Drunken Noodle) and he had Pho (which is vietnamese but he never had that before and wanted to make sure he got to try some of my Thai.  It was a fun and relaxing day which was nice.

Today I thought I had a therapy appointment early but apparantly I wrote the date and time in wrong so Joe brought me to my allergy shot where I found out how the upcoming shots are going to be. Will continue doing once a week with skipping a week and repeat and then we’ll be starting once a month. I know the shots are working and I’m very happy that I started this process. The nurses at Aspirus are so nice and they also agreed to sign the petition and pass it around for others to share and sign which is nice, the more signatures the better. We currently have 20,555 signatures which is from less than a week. I’m still working with Nina from Lady Freethinker and talking with the Animal Welfare News about the other sites that have talked to me about petitions as well. I don’t want to mess this one up and not sure how this all works. I have had people from all over the world signing the petition and leaving messages in regards to their thoughts on punishment for the asshole. I want justice but I’d be lying if I hadn’t thought of what many have stated in their comments.

Joe wanted to meet up with a friend he’s known for many years to meet her son and boyfriend so I made the trip with him to Shawano. Along the way I did stop to get a couple pictures and stopped at a nice little coffee shop called Glas Green Coffee. I enjoyed my coffee and bought a magnet print that caught my eye and we met up with his friend to spend time with them and then headed back to town.

On the way back to Rhinelander driving through Antigo and Monico and taking an old familiar route I had a rush of memories which were not at all pleasant and made me feel upset from dealing with the controlling asshole that murdered my cats. I say cats cause Luna was 5 and while she died in my arms I’m pretty sure that he somehow aided in her early demise and he already admitted what he did to Dexter. I hate him and do not miss him for what he’s done to me. I need to practice my breathing exercises and will probably do that after I finish this post. I feel like I am trying and I know I am and doing things to help me whether it’s coloring, taking a breathing class, getting out and reconnecting with Joe or my therapy. I really am trying but sometimes the feelings from all the bullshit come crashing back into me like a hurricane. I know it’s going to take some time and I really hope that the people that do deal with me regularly will allow me to sort through the bullshit and get the vile putrid venom out of my system.

This is all for tonight. I will write more soon. Ciao for now.