Unforgivable

When someone goes through trauma as I have we have a hard time getting past things. My mind tries to make sense of things that it can’t figure out and logically part of my brain says it doesn’t matter but it matters to me because this was my life, these were my babies and so my mind tries to get those answers to the unknown or the things that don’t make sense. It replays things like watching a movie from conversations, the audio file from the Sheriff’s department, and conversations I’ve had with Paula trying to put the timeline in order for the court.

My beautiful Luna

The court dates have long passed and he’s been sentenced his two years probation and three days jail time with a psych evaluation and no it isn’t enough for me. Honestly, I think if he was given a life sentence or it still wouldn’t be enough… a death sentence is what he gave to both my babies and there isn’t a person that can convince me that he wasn’t planning or trying to figure out how to do the same to me. You don’t know what he was like behind closed doors, you don’t know what he said to me or how he treated me, how he frightened me and you don’t know what I lived with and how guilty I feel for Dexter because I feel like I could’ve left after Luna. I didn’t have to move into the house on Sycamore. The major problem is that no one aside from Paula was really listening to me and my doctor but I needed more help than that. So it’s hard for me to not forgive myself for not being strong enough to get away with Dexter. What I want is for my mind to stop obsessing about what happened to Luna because I don’t have an audio file with him explaining what he did like I do with Dexter. And yet I still obsess about Dexter’s details too with the what if I’s….

Dexter and me

I take my medications everyday and I go to therapy and DBT to learn mindfulness skills and I see my psychiatrist and go to my grief support group and I talk to Joe and Paula about these nagging thoughts and I try to sort them out. I have a hard time not being patient with myself and want to rush or make this go faster so I feel and behave more normally but what I haven’t accepted is that I’ll never be what I was like before and I have to figure out a way of incorporating the trauma that asshole put me through as part of my life. It’s not so easy, don’t think for a minute that any of this has been easy for me and I should be able to just but we already had my it’s just post. It isn’t just, none of this is just. And justice was not done and I still plan on trying to use my pain, my trauma to change the way things are because I don’t want this pain. There is one person I wish this pain on and that’s not a very nice thing to say but it wasn’t very nice what he did to me.

Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to forgive but right now it still feels unforgivable and I’m not ready to change that.

I’m thankful to be together with the love of my life, my Joe. I want to be better for myself and for him. He’s been through a lot with me and he deserves more of the good part of me. I am trying babe.