Today I had my therapy appointment and my therapist told me I’m doing well. I sometimes feel this is true but don’t feel that well is how I’d describe my feelings.
Today is my Father’s birthday and I got him something that I thought he’d enjoy and went with the funny card as opposed to sappy. I know he wishes me to be strong, to see my strength and this disaster that is current to be dealt with quickly. I don’t say this because my Father is unfeeling. He is quite the opposite and seeing me in pain, hurting in a way that no one should bear, seeing me scared as I am is too much for him to bear. I have my father’s strength, my ancestors strength but we also have their anxiety. My father and step mother and I had lunch at Peking and then I returned home.
Paula helped me fix the Ps3 such decided to act possessed. I’m able to use it under my name once again and another small part of my pain that exists everyday has been removed. I also made an arrangement so my room-mate and I communicate better so I feel less afraid. I tire of being afraid. I hate feeling like my monster is going to get me. That he’s going to find and kill me. It’s an awful feeling to think this but I cannot erase it from my daily thoughts.
I’ve been thinking of my spirituality and things I’ve experienced and I think part of my torment is not feeling Luna and Dexter. My cousin said because I haven’t let them go to receive them. I don’t know. I know I grieve. I know I must have cried thousands of tears for both my sweet babies. But I think there’s additional issues for me, because I partially blame myself for bit protecting then better from the monster. For not getting out, for not getting them out in time. Because I feel guilty and blame myself maybe that’s why I haven’t felt them. It’s a lot to take in and a lot to not torment myself. To not lose it. To be strong. To try to act normal. I am trying and it is hard.
This weekend Aaron and Jennifer Winn helped me feel normal. Joe has been amazingly strong and supportive. Paula is still also my rock. As is my Dad and Sue. For those that have listened, read and taken time to just give me a glimmer to help me continue on thank you.