There are days it’s not hard to say how I’m feeling and when it doesn’t seem to completely overwhelm me. Then there are days like the most fucked up roller coaster ride. I’ve been at my best friend’s house since this fiasco I call my life has become but I know I need to move to the next phase and give her and her husband space and time. It’s too much for anyone. Too much for me, my dad and them. The bird needs to fly and try not to die.
I am scared to death of my ex. I don’t feel a piece of paper or anything is going to do him from finishing what he started. My Dad thinks he’s a coward and others think he won’t but that’s the shit that got my babies dead. Believing he wouldn’t and he did in a bad way. So I’m sorry if it sounds paranoid. They were therapy cats, they were my babies and they both got buried in my Dad’s backyard with only two months between if each other.
More than once he threatened to get a gun. More than once did he talk of ending things. He talked of killing himself and his he should’ve died and how he didn’t know why he was alive. He fooled me but I’m not a fool or blinded anymore. He died when he touched my babies. His rotting being is likely to come after me next. His ex told me how he repeatedly beat her in front of their kids and how scared they were of him to the point they moved to their grandmother’s house but with him or with their mother.
I don’t know what three ring circus or what level of hell I did to get this fucked in my life. I always thought I want such a bad person and did a lot of things to make myself better and deserving of the fairy tale but that isn’t in the cards for me. Now the bird must fly and be like a Phoenix. Expire. Burn out and start new again.