This is my life

My life has changed dramatically over the last few months. The last post I wrote I had no idea how much more it would change and in looking back at this time I have to say how lucky I feel that I made it out alive. In my last post I talked about what happened over the past year and especially the deaths of Dexter and my Luna. As stated I didn’t know Dexter was murdered until October 28th. That’s also when my relationship ended when I found out he killed my baby. I also believe that if I wouldn’t have left to stay at Paula’s for a couple days after Dexter died and then went to Lisa’s that he would’ve killed me too. He either would’ve done it then or anywhere from Oct 8th (when he murdered Dexter) to October 28th (when I found out he murdered him). Luckily my body was awake or not brainwashed by the man enough to send me to get myself checked out by the hospital on Oct 26th and when the doctors suggested I try to ease my stress and started me on omeprazol I stayed with Paula but that wasn’t an easy task either. We went to get things from the house he told me that he would change the locks and buy a gun and kill himself if I didn’t stay. I told him I could not stay. I know in my gut he would have hurt me and possibly killed me. I called the Sheriff Department on Sunday and told him about the argument on friday and about him mentioning the gun and killing himself and also told him the timeline of what led up to me finding Dexter dead. When they went to talk to them he lied to them twice and finally admitted to strangling him with one hand and beating his head 10 to 20 times and when Dexter went limp dropped him on the floor. Then he paced the room and decided to push Dexter under my bed for me to find. And I did find him about 6:30pm Monday October 8th. I held my boy until my Dad returned to me and he tried checking him out and he couldn’t feel anything. I stayed at Paula’s but told my ex that I was staying at my Dad’s. I was grieving beyond words. Then when I did return home he kept acting like I should just be over it and not dwell on it. Went as far as wanting me to put away my Garfield piggy bank because it’s a cat. I said it’s a cartoon. When I look at Garfield I don’t think of Luna or Dexter. He argued with me stating how unnatural it was for me to be so unglued. Never mentioning getting “attacked” by him or that he knew anything about him dying. Then proceeded in giving me a hard time about excluding him and I kept telling him I was grieving. Dexter and Luna were my babies to me, they were also therapy cats. I have anxiety and whenever I had high anxiety they comforted me. My ex wanted to be the only thing in my life for me to get whatever from. Stated how my friends weren’t really my friends and family weren’t really there for me not like he was and he is wrong. He never loved me. I know this. It was a control thing. It was all about making me feel worthless and him superior. He didn’t like how I kissed, he didn’t like how I chewed gum, food or snacks, how I walked, corrected me when I tried singing along to the radio and pretty much anything I enjoyed doing just little by little breaking me down until I felt like nothing and no good. But that is over. I was granted my restraining order in court. But I’m still scared. I’m still terrified that he will come after me and kill me. I hate feeling this way. I know what I need to do and working on getting things into place so I feel more secure and safer. No one should have to go through what I went through and all I can say is that you need to listen to your body and your mind. We’re all smarter when we do this and it would save a lot of heartache.