In Paradise Lost, John Milton wrote, “Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.” This is what I have learned about what living with post-traumatic stress disorder with trauma is like. Trauma is very tricky and the body remembers things that you very well may not. I’ve been going to a therapist sometimes more than once a week for quite a while and I’m in DBT to help learn mindfulness and I read self-help books and I go to grief support meetings and sometimes I write. Sometimes I want to avoid the stimuli of the world because it is too much for me to handle. When you’ve been a victim of domestic violence the road out of Hell often seems to never get closer to the light. Outwardly we look normal and seem like we should be able to function but fear has been twisted into our minds and enveloped into a great beast. If we feel that our support lacks it also is difficult for us to handle things on our own. We try though. We try often and every day.
A look back at 2019 for me was an unending winter with tons of snow and being unsure of many things to move from Wisconsin to Cincinnati, Ohio with a new outlook on life. I still have this outlook. I’m living in a cultural, art thriving, a history-rich city with possibilities. I’m trying to recover and working on putting Humpty Dumpty back together after I’ve felt very shattered indeed. Joe is my rock and I love him more every day for being here for me. The rotten core of 2019 was the laughable outcome of the court trial which is more than pathetic since they didn’t consider what kind of absolute monster he is and what he did to fuck my head up. No, this domestic violence survivor gets to try to figure out how to fix that bullshit on my own and still dig into the nooks and crannies of Cincinnati to try to find the underbelly of support that should and if it doesn’t needs to exist because I am no unique flower and not the only domestic violence survivor in this neck of the woods. This is a city for crying out loud. There needs to be more support and I will find it or I will do something to fucking get a group together. Domestic violence isn’t something to deal with alone and isn’t easy to live with what you were left with. If anyone has suggestions for this area I’m all ears and appreciate any help.