2018 Some final thoughts

For those consistent followers you should know that 2018 was a brutal year for me. When 2018 begun there was the scare with what was going to happen at Mayo Clinic with Paula and the gamma knife. I had looked up what they were going to do for her procedure and knew about the halo being screwed to her head and I thought she also was aware of it. Only reason Sean couldn’t go with was in order to get Paula to go have this he agreed to move forward with the hip replacement surgery. Gamma knife surgery was successful.

I started my bachelors degree for science and information technology online despite what anyone said. I felt it would be something useful and would help for better jobs. I maintained the deans list while active even after Luna’s passing but when Dexter died everything came to a screeching halt. I decided to press to get time off from school again against Holt’s wishes to continue school even though I felt I was losing my fucking mind. I did it behind his back, it was my decision to do and all he wanted to do was control everything. He thought that if I focussed on school that it would help me out of my funk. I could barely function after both my babies died. So it was more than a smart decision to place school on hold before I even knew he murdered Dexter and very likely Luna.

What I went through isn’t something I’m proud to admit. Holt didn’t like my best friend Paula and didn’t like that I wanted to go to therapy cause he believed that is why we stopped corresponding in the past. He didn’t like Paula cause he said she told him to stay away from me. He was also jealous of anything that took me away from time with him. He wanted full control of everything. How I ate food, how I drank, how I talked, what I said, corrected me, corrected my singing, nitpicked the shit out of me. This slowly but surely broke me down. I felt like I lived with Jeckyl and Hyde. There were times he would tell me how much I meant to him and that I was such a sweet girl and he couldn’t imagine his life without me and then the flipside telling me how I didn’t appreciate him and what he did for me and that I was just using him and how I was going to leave him. That I didn’t love him or respect him. How I treated him like shit. When in reality he did help me with money, getting me things I needed, helping me with my cell phone and taxes. He would also buy me things he thought I needed and some things I wanted. I can’t be bought and I kept getting frustrated as time wore on about all his complaints and the Jeckyl and Hyde just made me angry all the time and resentful. But felt I had to pretend and go along with it.

Then in July when I heard Luna in the kitchen and all he did was just stand behind me about 10 feet away as I was freaking out trying to figure out what was going on with my girl and him stating how he wasn’t going to pay for that and it was a waste of time. My heart was breaking and I was desperate to figure out what was happening and so I called Paula and my Dad and Paula rushed over to Randy’s on Bing Street where I was living with him (and again in separate rooms cause he couldn’t sleep with me). He would lock his door and had other strange behavior while I was there. When Paula came as I stated before Luna passed away in my arms. My Dad and Sue showed up shortly after and we brought her down in part of her carrier and Dad had a tote to put her in and I wrapped her in her favorite blanket. It was late and Dad suggested that we wait until morning to bury my girl.

Paula came back up and let me cry and held my hand as I held Dexter and cried my eyes out. Eventually calmed down enough to where she went home and I went into my room with Dexter and cried and held Dexter all night. Holt never came near me and gave me shit for shutting him out and said I didn’t want him near me. He didn’t fucking try. He didn’t give a fuck. In hindsight I don’t know what he did to her but pretty sure he aided in her untimely death.

The next morning Paula contacted me and she said she was going to come pick me up and she had Anie and Alex with her and a cage with 5 monarch butterflies and we went to my Dad’s. The kids wanted to see Luna before we buried her and petted her. Dad dug her grave in the morning and after the kids and Paula and I said our good-bye to my Luna we placed her in the grave next to Buddy and buried her. Then Paula gave me the monarch cage and we released the five monarchs for every year of Luna’s life. The butterflies hung around and I took pictures of them and then we went inside with Dad and talked for awhile before I went over by Paula and the kids.

Things progressively got worse after that. The weekend after Luna died my friend Steve from New York City passed away and I didn’t find out until that Tuesday as I was trying to do my homework for school. I was frustrated and distraught and felt like I was going to lose my mind. I managed to finish my Environmental Science assignment and wrote to the professor for my IT class telling him that I was going to be late on the current assignment for his class. He understood and felt bad for me. Pretty much everyone outside of Holt was understanding and supportive. He just wanted me to bury it, not talk about it, not cry, not grieve. And that made me angry.

Before Luna passed I had started working for NRG Media and covered the country festival and Duff told me that I was going to be doing work with the sporting events. It didn’t take me much to get into the swing of things even after a 20 year absence from radio. Working with Duff again has been a pleasure and I’m once again making him proud since things have settled and I’m more focused. Working with Jeremy Mayo and Ben Meyer has also been a pleasure for me. I look forward to directing/engineering the games and our little chats on breaks.

There are times where I wonder where I got my strength but I also look at my past and things I’ve gone through more currently and know this is very likely why. It helps having my family, really good friends like Paula, Sean, Joleen, Joe, Jennifer and Aaron…. there are more but these mentioned have really been there for me through the major bullshit part of this. I am thankful for the kindness of strangers from Animal Welfare organizations and people who helped get the petition together. The patience that Michael Schiek had the other day in listening to my side of things and me presenting him with the evidence I have. It surprised me when he mentioned I’m strong because I often feel I’m not as strong as I am. There are times I feel very broken and weak and shattered and I try to hold it together and put my brave face on and do what I need to do. But my close friends and family know just how hard it has been and have wiped my many tears and gave me lots of love, hugs and support. And I love you guys for that. Without you I couldn’t have made it this far.