My past, my present & my Dad

As I sit here I’m trying to think of if I want to start with my Dad or talk about myself and what’s been happening in my life. PTSD is definitely not something I’d wish on anyone and no I didn’t suddenly get it I’ve had a good bit of trauma growing up. I’ve been discussing that with my therapist quite a bit and as she’s stated I’ve had trauma upon trauma over and over again. That is sad but true and I haven’t always known who I can and cannot trust and have been exceedingly bad at seeing the monster in people. That’s one thing that I was taught was to see the good in people and it’s really hard.

At 11 raped by three girls and didn’t say anything about that until I was almost 16. Was being bullied and attacked by some of the girls and their friends repeatedly and having my life threatened. Wish I could say that was easy to shake off but it wasn’t but I managed to graduate high school and get married to a boy who cheated on me in high school and also was abusive. But I thought I could change him by marrying him or so I told myself. I think honestly I wanted to get away from my hometown because of the horrors I endured. Being called a lesbian wasn’t fun and being beat up for it on a regular basis wasn’t fun either. I wasn’t a fighter back then but getting beat up did teach me several things along the way.

I divorced my first husband and found myself in my twenties working in radio and in love which led me to living in New York City. But alas Rey broke my heart but was a coward about it and it wasn’t until after I was raped on July 4th of 1998 after he told me he needed some time and I pushed for an answer that I got the true answer that it was over. So that was the first time I was back in Rhinelander after I left at 19 for Abilene and it was another shit show for me. I knew the attacker, it was an ex friend’s husband except she wasn’t an ex-friend back then she had been one of my oldest and dearest friends. But alas I didn’t just lose Rey, I lost her and her brother too.

Of course I did try to get help and was going to therapy and sexual assault meetings but that trauma ran and still at times runs deep. It has run so deep that while I made a brave face and worked at WHDG that July 4th and went on to work at the phone company it haunted me. It haunted me bad. Especially around July 4th because it’s trauma upon trauma upon trauma and I can talk until my voice dies to therapists and go to meetings but everyone needs a strong support system around them.

Paula and me

From 1998 until 2012 I lived in Rhinelander and there were good and bad things that happened during that time. I met Paula, my best friend and sister I never had and I was with Joe for our 7 years. And then I screwed up. And made lots of choices but I don’t regret leaving Rhinelander for Austin or for all the places I seen and have been.

Zilker Botanical Gardens, Austin, Texas

That leads us to 2017 and 2018. Right now I’d say that 2018 was definitely the shitshow that plummeted my anxiety and PTSD which I had already and was being mildly medicated for to severely traumatized. What Mr. Holt did to me is unspeakable, what he did to Luna I don’t know but know he did fucking kill her and what he did to my baby Dexter is gut-wrenching. It is no fucking wonder why I am struggling past this trial with my life. I have Joe now and I’m not in Rhinelander at all. I have no faith whatsoever in their justice system and I know that fucking psychopath was going to kill me and would if he could still given the opportunity.

My love

And I am left to pick up my pieces with therapy, groups, writing and have Joe help me get those pieces put together so I feel more human. I am less scared living in Cincinnati but it is hard. This coming up week would’ve been Luna’s 6th birthday and yes I did spoil my babies on their birthday’s and other times as well. They were therapeutic for me and I loved them both because I raised them as babies and they were my fetchers. They were both sweet cats and I hope one day I can forgive myself for not seeing the monster and then when I did just for being scared and stupid. Paula and Joe and my therapist and others have told me I shouldn’t blame myself but it’s really hard for me not to because I do feel responsible for them. I was supposed to protect them from harm but I delivered them to the monster that killed them.

Happy Father’s Day Dad! I love you

Sunday is Father’s day and I love my Dad. I’ve always loved him even for all the times I’ve gotten upset or said bad things or did things he didn’t want me to do. I didn’t do them to spite him. I always wanted to make him proud. I know in some ways I am like my Dad because I’m an artist and I know he gave me that gift. Don’t worry Dad, I’m not wasting it. He’s a good man, hard working, loving and smart. I miss fishing with him and I miss him and while I know that we’re estranged at times there’s not a day that I don’t think about him and wonder what he’s up to and how he’s doing. I know 2018 and into this year has been hard with the trial and many other unexpected things that happened in the past couple of years. I just hope you know just how much I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. For flying to Corpus Christi and helping me drive back to Rhinelander. To helping me move multiple times. For bringing me to work and helping me by burying my babies in your backyard. To every court hearing you sat through with Sue. I know you love me and I love you Dad. Happy Father’s day.