Wasn’t sure what I should title my latest writing after not writing for quite some time. I hate that anyone thinks that I write this for the attention or to create drama, that I can deal without because I think I’ve had enough drama for multiple lifetimes. So sorry if you think that.
So where have I been and what have I been up to? How am I doing? If you care at all. I started working in July for Goodwill Inc as a material handler which if you need translation it’s an assembly line for kits for Ford Motor Corporation. There are several phases to the kits and several kits. It’s monotonous but it does help catch me up on audio books I’ve wanted to read and buys me time to get a different job. I’m going to try not to be too critical to Goodwill. There’s a lot of things that they do that’s awesome for many people and that makes me proud to be part of that team and the company is pretty understanding with all the appointments that I have and I’m making money. I wouldn’t even mind staying with the company just not in this position, it’s not me. It’s me right now though.
I’ve also been exploring the city of Cincinnati and making sure that I take pictures wherever I go. And I’ve fell in love with this city because of the diverse culture, art, architecture and lots of restaurants and things to do. Cause I like to do things. And I love taking pictures and I’m becoming more popular as a photographer… never know what could happen.
So now I get to start with a new therapist this monday and her name is Alyssa and we’re going to be working one on one and with a program which includes a group therapy to help with my trauma/PTSD. I’m still going to my pet loss grief support through Angel Paws and I have met a lot of nice people there and will continue going until I feel I don’t need it. The thing is that Mary Kay pointed out is I’ve had multiple traumatic events in my life and trauma can be tricky and this last one was a whopper for me. Still is, I still have nightmares and they very little is revealed about domestic violence I endured. The gas lighting, controlling, emotional and mental fucking abuse and then the final brutal acts of murdering my babies.
I forgot many things about me that I like and I’m still struggling. I still have panic attacks, I still am trying to cope and get treated for my trauma and PTSD. I am trying many things and I am doing things that I enjoy but you know what is hard? Trusting people, meeting new people, making new friends…. I am capable of it but it’s harder now. And I need to talk and I need more than my therapist. I had a great therapist that I was seeing for several months and I’m grateful that I had her, thanks Mary Kay and I want to thank my first therapist Judy for all her hard work. Guess what people? It isn’t magic and it’s not easy? While these two ladies are perfectly capable and I am trying many things and working hard it doesn’t make it disappear.
I’m not going to delete this blog or any of it’s contents. If this reaches and touches one person who’s struggling and gets them to do something before I did or if it helps in any way I want this here. So stop asking me to get rid of it. It’s not going away. I’ve gone away though. I’m miles away from most of my friends and family. I am with my boyfriend Joe who I love and adore and we do things together. Things take time. I am doing the best I can but sometimes I need to hear a friendly voice, a familiar voice. That’s what I like.