That sounds like it it pleasurable but it is not. The exquisite pain one feels when grieving is very profound. No one can tell you how long to grieve or how you’re supposed to grieve. It comes out of you and can encompass you.
I cannot tell you how many tears I’ve cried since my Luna died in my arms. And I cannot tell you how many when Steve died the same week. I don’t know why or what I was thinking at the time but so much was happening and things that happened should never have. I cannot and have to try to focus on what I could’ve done and should’ve done because I cannot go back and change anything.
By the time we were at the Sycamore address I was fucked and each day was worse than the next. More disturbing, felt caught, felt trapped and felt out of control and that’s exactly what he wanted. He enjoyed abusing Dexter which is why he continued doing it. He didn’t want him around and while I felt it and knew it in my gut or in hindsight idk but I lost so much with my babies. They were my little loves and grew into big loves and always by me loves. I miss the purrs, the kneading, the fetching, the leg rubbing, the meows, the snuggles. I miss them so much and it hurts me to the core.
I’ve always been someone that says things happen for a reason. Yes it brought Joe back into my life but I worry what he received. I am so shattered, so broken, so scared and at times feel so helpless and I love him and worried that I’m too much and it’s all too much. My Luna would’ve had her birthday this upcoming Monday and I feel I have to do something in her memory. I am already thinking and I haven’t forgotten my girl or my baby boy Dexter. They may not be with me but are forever in my heart.