Life with PTSD

I’ve had PTSD for probably many years or the anxiety I had post sexual assaults in my past were exasperated by the trauma of 2018 with the domestic abuse (emotional & psychological) abuse I endured along with the concluded murder of Dexter. Of course I’m not ruling out the fact that he likely caused the untimely death of Luna but the court proceedings are done and a 5 year old cat happens to just die. He stated she’d been throwing up well you know she hadn’t thrown up in awhile. She did occasionally and usually due to a hair ball. Earlier the same day she met her demise I heard her growling and hissing and Holt was in the kitchen with her. I suspect he was not being nice to her given the abuse that I’ve proven in my timeline to what he did to Dexter. And we know from his own words how he strangled and beat Dexter to death. But I’m beating a dead horse repeating that. And frankly I know people are tired of me repeating myself but honestly I know this case didn’t get the exposure in the tiny little town of Rhinelander, Wisconsin in Oneida County where Mr. Randy James Holt is now a felon for murdering Dexter. I don’t know about you but I’d want to know if a felon who has an affinity to strangle and beat small animals. The man is dangerous and the silent abuse and I say silent because I didn’t have outwardly bruises, broken bones or anything like that. I just have a fucked up brain that hasn’t been able to process my grief not only for my two babies but my friend Steve that died shortly after Luna and my uncle Louis that died just days before my Dexter. Let me add the frustration of the entire case and feeling like the Sheriff’s Department didn’t exactly care about a case of my babies albeit cats and their untimely death. Even after finding out he strangled and beat Dexter did they not continue to see if there wasn’t something he did to Luna. Idk cause I’m not an investigator but one might think that it was more than possible that he did the same or similar to the other. Also why was it buried and why was the public defender so hell bent on making me look bad? This is why I do want to help Marsy’s Law because half the time when finding out anything about the case it was me looking on CCAP to see if there were any updates and then calling the victim witness coordinator. I’ve never gone through anything like that and I thought this would have been handled better but it wasn’t. And I am angry about that and angry cause Wisconsin first time felony offenders (depending on I guess what they do) get probation because it’s more of a probation state and while probation might seem invasive I highly doubt Mr. Holt won’t be on his best masked behavior and pull the wool over his PO’s eyes and the person that has to psychologically examine him. He’s a narcissist and he likes to control and is very very good at appearing exactly what he feels he needs to at whatever given time.

Dexter

I did get lucky though that my whole body started screaming at me and affecting me from grief and anxiety and fear that he had caused me which led up to me escaping. I got out before he could kill me and I fucking know in my gut that he would’ve. Why the fuck else would someone stand in your room in the middle of the night looming in the dark? WHY? He already killed the cats and I suspect he already knew I pieced that shit together and was trying to figure out how or when the fuck he was going to finish me.

Luna

But alas I’m alive and far far away from him with a 4 year DOMESTIC VIOLENCE restraining order against Mr. Randy Holt. And I’m trying my best to process all the feelings I have. I am in therapy and my therapist says that I indeed have PTSD and I’ve gone through a lot in a year and it’s going to take time to process everything and grieve. Some may think that since x amount of time has passed that I should be done grieving. My therapist thinks with all the work I put in making sure that the DA, Sheriff’s Department etc had all the information that would help Mr. Holt get the punishment he deserved to get that I was working and not allowing myself to grieve. But Holt didn’t have the punishment I feel he deserved and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I have to take care of myself. I go to animal grief support group every other week which has been helpful. It’s not unusual for someone to grieve their pets more deeply than they would a human. I have been reading books, taking my medication, going to my therapist and group. Part of my recovery is going to be getting on the proper medications, probably finding a DV group in addition to my grief support, continuing therapy and working every day. Opening up about things that have not been said and you get to be my audience.

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