Sometimes for me it feels like the final weak. I am feeling stronger in some ways but in other ways I’m feeling quite weak. The entire case has been handled so poorly from the beginning and I’ve felt like I’ve been living in the dark with it had I not went on ccap to get updates and I would’ve been even less involved had I not persistently called and pushed to show my timeline to the DA, Sheriff’s Department, Judge, etc. I realize I care more about the outcome of this more than they do. I think they’re looking at it all wrong. They should as they did look at it from a domestic violence point of view and then people would fucking care more about the entire situation. And it would be less about a cat getting killed. IT’s MOTIVE asshats. Why the fuck would he do it. The cat as I have stated again and again and again NEVER attacked anyone. He would SLINK away quickly from Mr. Holt. Because he was being abused. Luna did the same thing. If you guys honestly wanted to make an impact with this you’d change the point of view. It is a domestic violence situation. He was mentally and emotionally controlling me and taking me away from things I loved, my friends, my family (my babies) and I wish for those who state they care or love me can realize this. I know it’s hard to look at and hard to imagine just how close I was to fucking DYING but I was. Do you know how creepy it is to wake up in your room that you didn’t share because of the whole control thing and see him standing mid room watching you sleep? FUCKING think about it folks. He was going to kill me or at least try to. And Wisconsin the protection order that you give should definitely protect us victims. Meaning that no matter if the town is tiny that the petitioner (me) is protected. The accused should stay the fuck away from places of work, home, and seeing in public should be made to leave. Not just say oh no you both can be in the same place just as long as he doesn’t follow or approach. THAT pissed me off. Ohio thinks that’s a fucking joke. Most do. So work on changing that. Also the people that are supposed to be helping the victims (me) should try to take us seriously and show us that you are working on the case and update us not have us chase you down and annoy your office and hand deliver all the evidence which I still have in my case which I’ll be bringing with me and I haven’t deleted the texts from my phone that show proof of the timeline and of what led up to my Dexter being murdered. That would make the case a FUCK of a lot easier had you guys taken my statement, taken my files from my phone and did work on the case if you treated it like a domestic violence situation and secondary charge of felony mistreatment of animals. DO your jobs next time. We shouldn’t have to tell you how to. Also if you work in a position in a company you should be careful about what you say. My advocate stated it was a waste of money to go to court. MY FUCKING advocate. I will be making a stink. It’s not right. No one should go through this bullshit.
So today I’ll be attending a pet loss support group locally and tomorrow I’ll have my therapist meeting which seems like it might be the only thing that’s going to help me prepare (which is another one of my peeves, the victim witness coordinator or DA should be involved and doing something with me, should have been and should be). I’m also trying to keep myself calm and have had to take my clonazapam (for continual panic attacks) continuously everyday. It’s not something I enjoy doing. I don’t like having to take these fucking pills. I don’t like how any of this is affecting me. How it’s making my memory bad, giving me panic attacks and dis-associative episodes. Why? PTSD! Why? cause this is a domestic violence situation. Why? Cause I was controlled and manipulated for a year and had major trauma involving him do what he did.
Then Thursday will be traveling home for jury trial. I don’t know how or what is going to happen but I know certain people will be there. And if you’re a constant reader or a local. I would appreciate you being there. I don’t know how my being on the stand is going to turn out, no one has guided or helped in any way but I’d appreciate those to be there to help me stay strong.