It is the first day of March and I think it’s somewhat fitting that it’s madness. My madness of course comes from my impending future and trying to figure out what is to happen in the near future with everything. I had a major meltdown with Paula and Joe today and didn’t do the nice thing I wanted to do for myself because every time I get seriously fucking pissed I feel I don’t deserve it and deserve the fucking pain I feel so I had my meltdown. Meltdown was screaming and tears and it was due to extreme frustration and stress that I don’t think anyone really quite grasps that I have right now.
I have NEVER been this stressed in my life. I barely eat, barely sleep and always edgy and yes I do a lot of things to try to help myself with therapy, groups, talking to various people and trying to breathe but I swear the universe has decided to seriously FUCK with me. I’m not properly medicated. I barely LEAVE the fucking room of which I’m taking up space and the privacy of and I am pissed about having to do all this shit and figure out the logistics of figuring out how to do all of this shit at this fucking time. G I V E me a fucking break people. Please. I swear I am so pissed most of the time I need badly to scream so loud the fucking devil will hear and fear me.
I went to the Sheriff’s Department to pick up the recording of when Holt made his confession to them. He wasn’t coerced or anything and I listened to it more than once to hear the words that he told them of how he murdered Dexter. How he was in the closest and hissed at him and stated how he swatted at him or if he scratched him and how he grabbed him and strangled him and hit him until he went limp and how he dropped him and hid him under the bed.
It’s obvious in hindsight that he was abusing Dexter with having to bring him in covered in urine with his eye gooked almost shut, pulling carpeting out of his claws, him sneezing blood and having bloody nose. He WAS ABUSING him. This was no accident. Yes I’m sure Dexter did hiss at him wouldn’t you if you got beat and dragged and thrown? I know the fuck I would. Remember cats when they are under anesthesia or when they die have eyes open. Dexter’s eyes were closed. He did something such as glue them shut. PLEASE don’t tell me to calm down. This is depraved. This is psychopathic. This is beyond cruel.