I am Jack’s wasted life.

Sometimes when one tries to smooth things over they get more fucked up with the attempt. I think there are times that one should be cut a bit of slack. But if course I’m a stupid girl and no matter how charming or pretty I am or that people think I am I NEVER seem to be cut a fucking tiny bit of slack. I am human. I screwed up but I got to work on time and started recording and feed and got the game on live maybe at most :30 seconds later and then did cut out the second break and had everything running shop shape.

Also apologized profusely about it and assured since it was the only fucking time I cut it super close to not having it be on air when expected. I was not there 15 minutes early as expected and I was on Thursday. Usually yes I am more than 15 minutes early so we are gonna give me hell right before my last game of spring? I was in fucking tears. Also when I called my boss who said I shouldn’t worry about it. That we had good repor and this was one time.

I’m stressing about the talk I need to have with room mate about the situation to figure out if I’m going to do exactly what at exactly what time. Trying to figure out where the fuck to go, what the fuck to do.

In addition to that I have fucking court Tuesday and no earthly idea what the fuck is gonna happen. I need to work on my stupid victim impact statement to be fucking prepared for the damn worst and I am severely fucking stressed. So I would love a fucking bit of slack.

Oh and I’ll be mentioning Assholes stunt of intimidation which is probably going to continue until he decides to kill or attack or until he drives me to screaming like a fucking banshee after him for being too fucking close for comfort for me with a stupid restraining order in place.

My black moth…sign

This is the black moth I mentioned. Our may sound hokey but it’s the dead of winter and I look at this as a sign that Dexter is looking out for me.

But for now I’ll try not to obsess about possibility of my job being in danger cause of one time and not even being late and getting him on and everything running. I’ll try to but be hurt that my apologies did nothing even if it were the first time. I’ll try not to obsess about the talk I need to have sooner than later, I’ll try not to obsess that I might be fucked and unsure what the fuck to do about it. I’ll try not to obsess about how to modify that impact state again. I’ll try in vain to fucking sleep while someone blares the fucking Office until idk what time but right now it’s almost 1am. I will try not to be completely pissy. I will fucking try to be civil. I will try to eat when I feel like bike is scorching my throat from the stress that is likely killing me. I will try.

2 thoughts on “I am Jack’s wasted life.

  1. Sweetie…
    I’m so very worried about you. About how you’re looking for someone to hold you up all the time; a roomie who will be your therapist or defender. That’s going to just open the door to another abusive situation. At the very real risk of sounding bossy or bitchy… You are stronger than you know you are. You need some time on your own to grow in the knowledge of your own power, and a good therapist and support groups will help with that.
    I don’t know if you’re on any medications, and it’s none of my business. Whether you are or are not, it might not be a bad thing to talk to a doctor about the anxiety, sleeplessness, and obsessive thoughts. Sometimes a little bit of help in that arena will help to clarify things.

    *sending love and light*

    • I’m not offended and I am with someone but it’s long distance and I know it’s not abusive. I am on medication but it’s not prop adjusted yet and where I am at this time dealing with the brunt of this crap solo had made me into a little bitch in a way. I am strong but even strong people need help and can’t do it all alone.

      As for living alone, I cannot afford to period and I don’t want to sign a lease which would trap me here longer than I need to be. And I am afraid of living alone in this stupid town where Asshole is getting braver and coming near places he doesn’t need to be. I see therapist once a week and I know I need it cause I need to get help with coping with all this. The district attorney is who I deal with and their victim Witness Coordinator is supposed to be helping with the court situation but has been dropping the ball.

      I have talked to my Dr about sleeplessness and the anxiety and it’ll be a matter of getting in and seen to be able to adjust me properly.


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