I am Jack’s smirking revenge.

If you’re wondering yes that is a quote from Fight Club and it’s the attention grabber. The quote at the end of this blog is my favorite quote in the movie because it speaks volumes to me and always has. I don’t think I quite started understanding that until this past year. Maybe I haven’t exactly still understood it fully. Sometimes I have felt like when I have thought or felt this in my life or said it that it’s some kind of cosmic challenge for the universe to give me another curve ball to handle. I definitely have felt that I’ve been staring at the bottom thinking I can’t sink further and getting that rug pulled out by yet the additional surprise.

Today was not a bad day. I was nervous about today though. Today was the first day and first grief support meeting. My concerns walking into the meeting were quickly abolished. I was pleasantly surprised at being welcomed to the group with open arms and walked away with a couple new friends and knowing a couple familiar faces.

My therapist had been concerned that perhaps a grief support group might not be perceptive to someone with my major grief being my two babies but many acknowledged the fact that they too have had issues losing a pet and the devastation that is felt. It is grief, even if it is a pet. And they weren’t pets to me, they were and will always be my babies. And both my babies died in the same year two months of each other and likely both at the hands of that monster.

I was able to ask questions about how to cope with this or that and participate by answering what I’ve done in a similar situation to what someone had said. I felt good, I did cry when I introduced myself and explained why I was there and it isn’t just for Dexter & Luna but that is a large part of it. It’s also for Steve and Uncle Louie.

I surprised myself today by a self mechanism of mine. I was talking to Joe on the phone before I had to leave to go to the meeting and he said he wished he could go with me to be there for me. I told him I was pretty sure that he could cause almost everyone has felt and dealt with grief or is grieving. He said true… and then to my surprise my joke came out. I said “It’s not like it’s an AA meeting where you come in and say ‘Hi my name is Erica and I’m here because I’m grieving the two cats that were murdered'”. I had been crying cause I was nervous and thinking of what could go wrong but when I made this joke and yes, very dark humor and no I would not appreciate someone telling me that joke but it was the first joke I was able to make and it ironically did make me laugh. It helped me cope and helped me stop crying and when I told it in the grief support meeting it was greeted with laughter as well because it is something we can relate to. I wasn’t making light of how Dexter and Luna died or the fact that I was going to be going to a grief support meeting. But I was doing a silly comparison to lighten my mood and it worked. So did being there today and meeting and seeing the people I did and sharing, crying, laughing, listening and talking. This is what I needed. Just to talk, just to be heard and be with people.

I felt brave enough to take a walk to the nearest coffee shop, shout out to Bath and Body Creations & Coffee House for the lovely coffee, I had a salted caramel and pumpkin spice latte with almond milk. It was brave because I haven’t walked anywhere alone without someone being in the car waiting for me or being with me. And no it wasn’t a long walk, just a brief one to the coffee shop and I handled sitting there alone enjoying my coffee.

I also called the Victim Witness Coordinator to see if she was in and she wasn’t and left a message so she could tell me what if anything is going on with court coming up this next week. I know it’s strange and all that I have to hound them and I feel they should be doing their job by getting in touch with me about this case. And I’m sorry if I feel I’m the victim. No I wasn’t murdered but I’m the “Mommy” and I’m considered the victim which is why I have the victim witness coordinator.

Dexter

Still pretty sure he wanted to kill me so yea still want justice for my cats and him to actually spend time rotting in a jail cell to of course not think about what the fuck he did cause he’s a narcissistic, piece of shit scumbag, waste of human space that has all kinds of rights cause he’s the defendant and innocent until proven guilty but admittedly by his own words he “strangled and beat the cat 10 to 20 times in the head ‘pretty hard’ and then dropped his limp body and hid him under my bed”. IDK seems pretty fucking clear to me. When the ass-hat that did it says he did it, shouldn’t he pay the consequences for his actions. And don’t give me shit about overcrowding in jails etc. Maybe keep one of those people that got busted with a little marijuana and put this man who is a danger to me and society and obviously has mental issues and anger issues and could and will likely lead to worse in jail where he fucking belongs.

Luna

The second meeting I attended was the domestic violence support group which I’m incredibly grateful for both of these meetings. I’m grateful for Anchor of Hope for starting this group, a much needed group to our town.

I’m thankful for my friend Beth, who I really really need to catch up with and I’ve been trying to reach out to her (you if you have time to read these ever). Just to catch up, just to idk hang out and do the help you clean and purge and have coffee and just be with each other. If it weren’t for Beth sharing the post about the group I wouldn’t have known about the group and wouldn’t have got connected to them and to feel I have a lifeline. I know you’re busy, I know you need support and I still can be that support for you and I need my Beth-time.

Beth and I at her wedding

It feels like a butterfly affect occurred. Beth shared, I seen, I went and I reconnected and have this. I feel grateful for both the support groups and the people I seen and talked to at both and look forward to getting to know them more. We all need people. That’s something that I think certain people lose sight of in my life. I need to not be living alone. I need the connection and human interaction, to have someone that gets it. To laugh, to cry, to just not feel so isolated and alone as I have been for the past couple months. I am not detracting my phone conversations with Joe or times (few and far between) I have been out and not just at work but out doing something enjoyable or relaxing and just normal.

Butterfly affect

I don’t feel normal most of the time. I am an insomniac, it’s already 12:02am and granted I have a lot to say today and I’m just letting it all out. We talked about the fact that this is a wonderful tool that I’ve been doing to cope with everything. It was suggested to others to write a letter. I may still try that one too but likely in my fashion I’ll put it up here so you can read it. Whoever you are. I know a few of you do read my semi-daily work. And I’m grateful for those that do take the time and read what I have to say. And thankful for those that comment, usually other writers but still it’s good to be heard, to talk to someone about your own blathering, worries, etc. And to get feedback.

Fight Club

And I think I need to buy Fight Club again and I’m not happy about it since and they totally agreed in the DV group that the fucker cherry picked my shit and it was all part of continuing to control my ass. I do miss my favorite movies BUT FUCK him. This is my life and it’s ending one minute at a time.

It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything. (Fav quote from Fight Club)

4 thoughts on “I am Jack’s smirking revenge.

  1. I feel like I know this POS – but under a different name… Maybe I’m blowing sunshine, trying to believe that there is only one person in this world that is so evil.

    I’m glad you got out, met some people, and connected. Isolation is the first tool in an abuser’s bag of tricks. The more you can push past that evil, and be yourself again, the more he loses!

    • Well here is the thing darlin, narcissist abusers are very much alike. You’ll see similarities if you’ve been with one. I’m glad I met some people too, people that like me are going through profound loss and more.

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