February 18

So Friday the 16th I went to the housing authority to put my name on the list. I’ll admit I’m not thrilled about that, first off there’s currently a 3 to 6 month wait and secondly then I’d likely be living alone and what other parts to into this process? I don’t really know all that it entails at this time. What I do know is that after this court case is concluded which I have no idea when that will be but it could be as early as February 26th. And why am I not in the loop? Because I haven’t been hounding the District Attorney’s office or the Victim Witness Coordinator of whom has yet to contact me directly.

This entire thing has been one irritation or nightmare after another. I don’t understand how the Sheriff’s Department could drop the ball by not making sure they bring me in for an official statement. That was only one of the many ways they disappointed me. They also expect the “LIASON” which is Paula to contact Mr. Holt in regards to the property that he decided to keep. District Attorney said that could be taken care of with the victim witness coordinator or Sheriff’s Department of which I’ve been more than disenchanted with. So other than cutting my stupid losses and allowing him to basically screw me some more after his abuse and then him murdering my cats and most likely now going to get away with it with probation I assume cause people in reality want to shove this shit under the rug. I don’t but they were my babies. No one really gives a rats ass until it is their pet. I WOULD give a fuck if it were your dog, your cat, your bird, whatever it is. Yes this has caused me to be distraught, angry, anxiety ridden, an insomniac which none of this I signed up for.

This calms me too

This week, in fact tomorrow, I will be going to my first grief support group and domestic violence group. I do write on Facebook groups I’m on several grief support, PTSD support, anxiety support, animal cruelty groups, etc and so on and I post and I read and I listen to others because I need to be heard too. I’m glad and so very thankful that Joe listens to me and helps calm me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, it doesn’t even take that long. There are a few others that take time to allow me to rant when I’m having a rough day and help me not freak the hell out about what the hell I’m going to do about the situation I’m facing. This week I also get to see my doctor about adjusting my medications and talk to her about PTSD and what I need to do.

I don’t know if I want to switch my medication the following week or not, the pre-trial conference is on the 26th and that could be the end too, they could have a plea, they could have figured it all out and it could be the end. I could decide that maybe when I go to Cincinnati in less than two weeks that could be when I need to stay. I don’t know and is that possible? Is it something that should happen? Being here has been hard, my room mate as patient as he’s been wants me out but it’s the middle of winter, tons of snow and ice and not a good situation for moving anything or anyone anywhere.

I do admit that I have kept to myself because the people I’ve been closest with for a long time have basically ghosted me or so that’s how it feels. I know they may feel the same given the same situation. That is something that isn’t easy for me to handle. And those people I’ve known for a long time and it puts a sour taste in my mouth. It makes me want to not reach out and not go out and not expose myself to possibly more of the same. I really wish it was different but I am trying to do what I need to do for myself. I’m seeking help from others so no one is burdened with it. Just know I would never do this to anyone. No it’s not easy to deal with. But aside from feeling like I’m on the edge of insanity from processing this mostly myself I’m not sure what to do. Maybe I’ll get better answers in my support groups.