Valentine’s and More

First off I want to thank Joe for making my Valentine’s day. It was the absolute best part of my day and I love you for making it special for me. I wasn’t expecting it and it almost got messed up but that is one thing that turned out great.

My Valentine sent to me 🙂

Now I want everyone to read this very carefully. I am very honest in my blogs so if you actually read them entirely and not cherry pick bits of pieces I state exactly how I’m feeling and what I want to do.

Yes I was given a deadline of sorts by my cousin as to when he would like me out. I had offered to pay him a certain amount. I don’t know if this is anything that can be negotiated. I am more than aware than the time-frame absolutely sucks especially in that we live in Wisconsin and experiencing awful winter crap which is going to make it near impossible to do much of anything productive in the time that was given. Yes I have to figure out if by some miracle or something if he will see it is a liability to try to make anyone to move any kind of shit with the ice arena bullshit with snow etc that he has on the stairs, sidewalk and outside right now. Liable because it’s dangerous and stupid.

Having said that one major factor that I’ve been trying and stating is that I DO NOT want to live alone. Especially in this craptastic town where I fear for my damn life when I am alone in public. I would need a gun in order to do so and I still don’t think I’d feel better. You might find it ridiculous but I was ABUSED and tormented by the man who is free even after MURDERING my babies.

I am highly considering after talking to my boyfriend about moving there. Yes I am not done with things and there’s court, etc but he knows I do not want to live alone, I do not want to sign a lease and I cannot afford to live alone. SO what I need to do is figure out a temporary solution whether it be begging and pleading with the current or talking to Gram or Mom (yes Jim or Mom I’ve considered this) about staying temporarily cause I do not plan on staying here. Or if there is another option. Yes I want and plan on getting away from here and no I’m not running away. Is it sooner than what everyone expected? Yes. Is it timely? Not really. How will I do it? We have been discussing what would happen if I moved out of state. Have I figured it all out? No not yet. Have we? No not all the details. But I know I have a lot to do and I’m trying to get meds adjusted and get to grief support groups and have connection and support.

I am not stating that those reading this have not been supportive but when I tell you certain things you need to try to listen. Do I sometimes get things wrong yes I am HUMAN. Do others mistake things? Yep, they’re human too. So please I just am trying to get things adjusted and try to do what I need to do.

To push me into a situation where I have to live alone and likely most likely even stating that it is an emergency and shit happens they will likely want a year lease. I DO NOT want to be here or have to sign something to force myself to be here a year. I don’t want to live alone. I am that afraid. I don’t like going into Trigs or Walmart alone. Yes it sucks. But that man broke me more than you have considered and it wasn’t just murdering them. He broke me. That is why I have daily panic attacks, that’s why I can’t sleep in a place I am not alone every night but it’s at least easier knowing I AM NOT alone.