Because we’ve been getting second and third winter or false spring in Wisconsin it has made it difficult for our Hodag teams to get together to do the winter sports lineup. I was supposed to cover a hockey game last night but instead after I’m done at the smoke shop today I’ll be going to WOBT to run Hodag Sports.
There are certain things I looked into yesterday on my day off. I did contact Tri-County Council in regards to how I can be helped with housing, finding place to live, grief and domestic violence groups. I’ll need to go down to the courthouse to work on paperwork for the housing thing which I’m not looking forward to but need to do it but one thing that people keep ignoring is that I AM afraid of living alone. But hey that’s ok right cause I’m only feeling like I’m losing it half the time and paranoid the other part. I’m still waiting to get seen by my doctor to adjust my meds and talk to her about PTSD and my IBS which is just lovely that the year I was around that scumbag he destroyed me from the inside out. He broke me, he controlled me, he emotionally and mentally broke me down aside from his final curtain call of destroying two of my babies which ripped my heart right the fuck out. Is he being held accountable for this shit. OR cherry picking my shit that he basically had his stupid paws on and put together and decided to keep certain things which were clearly fucking mine and I know they are things but I AM the fucking victim of his. Yes I will be asking for more than what I have from him. He’s made me not want to leave the house for fear of seeing him. He’s made me jumpy, untrusting, scared to fucking death. He did this to me. And I get to live with this and try to do it alone.
The shit I’m going through is not anything anyone should ever have to deal with and yet there are so many people in the world who suffer at the words, actions and hands of their partners. They stay for whatever reasons until of course it’s too late or because they feel they have no where else to go and by that time it has already taken a serious and severe toll on that persons mind and spirit. Coming back from it is a long and hard road. I found that there are several grief support groups and ironically it seems like most of these groups tend to meet on tuesdays which I find unusual. So this next week I finally get to go to two grief groups and we’ll see how it goes. The domestic violence group had to reschedule with our crap weather but I’m hoping to get to go to that at some point as well. I’ve also signed up for some grief skype groups hoping that I can connect somewhere. I know it’s not easy dealing with me basically losing my shit a good bit of the time but I do try to keep it together the best I can. It isn’t easy and believe me I AM trying.
I do breathe work, I write, I’m trying new crafting things, I try using cbd oil, I try cbd vape, I try meditation, sleep meditation, weighted blanket, essential oils, WHAT I want most is to connect with people. Plain and simple. I do have some connections and it is hard for me to reach out at times. The thing that’s hard is aside from my grief my mind keeps unlocking shit that Mr. Holt did to me, how he controlled me, things he said to me, how he made me feel, things he made me do. I am completely haunted. It’s hard. It’s hard for me to say I need for someone to listen, for someone just to hold me while I cry for the millionth time in a week. Or just to completely distract me and remind me I’m not just a broken shell that keeps coming unglued.