Tuesday

I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I feel my mouth gets me more messed up as I open it. I don’t know what to do most days that I don’t work and I hate being alone and left alone. Today I was in pain all day, my headache was horrible and my stress level just as bad. I guess I need to go to the doctors to have them help me figure out something because my rage from everything that has happened and feeling abandoned and being tired of being alone and yet fearing going out. I don’t want to go out alone. I’m getting increasingly worse and I hate it. At this point I feel at a severe loss and almost no one understands just how bad off I am.

I get it I don’t want to deal with me. And everyone is used to me caving in and making sure I contact or see anyone. I’m tired of being that person. I need help and I need to feel I’m worth that effort to reconnect, not leave me in the dark, but leave me alone, not think I can’t handle shit (cause it’s easier to handle other people’s issues than ones own) and handling mine is not fun. Some think it’s cabin fever….partially true cause only time I see anyone is at work. I worry as I feel I’m getting worse when that will be an issue.

For the constant or new reader I am sorry. This seems one of the outlets that I have left. Dealing with my grief and abuse and trying to pull myself together with my anxiety is a hellish battle. I need reprieve, some way of calming me. I need to get away from here. Otherwise I fear I’ll lose the rest.