Had a discussion this morning about how much time I have left where I am currently at and I now have a deadline of mid March. While that may seem long enough and I hope it is to figure out where I’m going to go and what I’m going to do. I know with my current situation with my jobs and mental health I don’t want to live alone and scared to death of it so I would rather live with someone and now I have the highly unpleasant task of figuring out how to make that possible. Being agoraphobic for the most part meaning I don’t want to leave the house for fear of running into him or my anxiety overcomes me isn’t fun. I do work both my jobs and have appointments for therapy and allergy shots. I need to figure this out somehow and I’m scared.
It has pushed my anxiety up extra levels which it was already difficult because of what’s going on with ways I’ve been ridding myself of people around me and wanting them to show me they care rather than me feel like I’m begging for their fucking attention. Most of the time I cannot quite describe what it feels like living in my skin. It’s kind of like a burn victim, with a burn that covers 95% of my body and it’s excruciatingly painful and there’s the embarrassment of not wanting to be seen like that so you do this little thing to pretend when you are around people do that they don’t look like you are that “poor thing”. I do feel like that poor thing though. That has been trampled over and crushed, beaten, broken and left for dead. People say I’m strong but I’m having issues the more I’ve been left A-FUCKING LONE to deal with myself everyday. So no I’m not doing well. I do not know how to explain anymore clearly I need to get the fuck out of the house. Be fucking included, do something, focus on someone else’s shit and if they want to talk about my shit great cause I could use practical understanding and not some delusional way they think I should just let it go or work through it. I am doing breathing exercises, meditation, sleep meditation, essential oil diffusing, therapy, trying to get to grief and domestic violence groups, writing and trying not to fucking lose it most days.
If someone had given me a guideline to deal with major trauma, grief and PTSD in like a week or fucking month I would be done but I’m not. It’s not done and it’s not just gonna go away like others would like for it to and I need to not be left alone to my own vices.
I’m also concerned about a close family member that has started cancer treatment but the prognosis isn’t good and I’ve been trying to reach out to family so I can spend some time there while I can. Yes I have a lot of shit on my plate and I am trying to prioritize it so I can figure out what I can do as soon as possible cause I’m scared and do not know what to do.