Groundhog Day

Today is Groundhog day and Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow which predicts that it will be an early spring. We can sure as hell hope so but I live in Wisconsin and that’s hardly likely. While we haven’t had that many subzero days this year we did just get past one this past week which interrupted school, sports and many other things. I don’t think that it will be our last subzero blast of the year. Almost like clockwork I remember that the Taste of Chocolate has almost always been in subzero weather and that is to take place on Friday of this upcoming week. I don’t know if I’m going to go, while I’d like to go and have expressed interest in going I am not going to go alone. So we’ll see what happens with that.

I’ve been so angry lately because I have been processing a lot of emotions and mainly on my own or with my counselor, Joe and through my writing. I haven’t really gotten out to do much of anything, seen anyone or had any kind of distraction outside of work. I hate that but don’t want to force anyone to be around me if they don’t want me to talk about what I’m going through or assume that I will. I don’t always want to. I do that enough with Joe and in therapy and here, so people GET the FUCK over it ok? Remind me you give a FUCK and want to remind me that I’m still worthy of your fucking time. Too harsh? I don’t like imposing on people and I have often felt that I chase people cause outside of work and drs appointments I am not a busy person. I don’t have kids so I am mainly alone and I hate it with a passion.

And for those who don’t think I’m working on my shit you haven’t read my shit. I go to therapy every week. I take my medication daily. I use essential oils almost every night. I do breathe work, meditation and I try my best to distract myself from all the stress and anxiety. I work at it daily. EVERY fucking day cause every day I get panic attacks. Every day I am paranoid about that fucker coming and finishing me off. Every damn day.

When you are mentally and emotionally abused by someone for almost a year and controlled and they murder your fucking cats lets see how you fucking deal with life. To end this he also did take Groundhog day which was my fucking movie which I never unpacked which ironically on this day was a day I used to love watching that movie. SO FUCK you Mr. Holt. FUCK you for scarring me, fuck you for killing my cats and fuck you for breaking me.

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