Working Wednesday

I may be working and it has been steady on and off today which is nice because it makes the day go by much faster. I enjoy both my jobs for different reasons. Working at the radio station is fun for me and I enjoy directing/engineering Hodag Sports and the occasional commercial that they throw my way. All the people I work with at NRG and Jeremy and Ben (the voices of Hodag Sports) are funny and entertaining to work with. Of course, working with Duff Damos again after 20 years is always a pleasure. Finally told him when I started working again that he was one of the big reasons that I wanted to be in radio. He’s genuine and personable and an honor to work with.

Still Smoking has been very interesting and fun to work at as well. I’ve learned a lot more about the different products available and about CBD oils. I currently vape it and have the oil and also a balm similar to icy hot but works much longer. CBD oil has many benefits and I enjoy talking with people that come in and tell me stories of how it’s working for them. I recommend it for pain and anxiety and my best friend uses it for her children to help with epilepsy and anxiety.

I went to therapy yesterday and had plenty to discuss and it’s amazing what can happen in a week. We talked about spending time with Joe and how we’re reconnecting and what happened in the past and how it’s different now.

We went on to discuss the petition and what the purpose of the petition and about the other sites contacting me in regards to more petitions. I have yet to figure out between a couple groups that are helping me on how or what I should do in regards to the petitions. It sounds as if Change.org and Care2 are ones that you write up yourself but I don’t want to detract away from the current petition in place. But at the same time, the petition in place has had over 20k signatures which is a lot and much appreciated. I just wonder if there’s somehow more I can do or others can do to push it a bit more.

I do have a future plan as well in regards to working (and I know it’ll be a slow process) on how to change the laws to make them more severe and to make it so it doesn’t view animals as property but part of the family, living beings, loving beings, great for therapy, needed and always always loved and spoiled. It’s going to take a lot of work and probably years to change people’s minds in regards to that but I’m willing to put up a good fight. I’ll fight for Dexter and Luna and ones in the past and future. I don’t want anyone to go through this heartache, this bullshit, the anger, and crying and emotional rollercoaster from hell I’ve been on. Most of all I want justice for Dexter, justice for Luna and justice for myself. I don’t like being scared and yes there are days I am scared, almost terrified and other days I’m so pissed off and filled with sickening rage that I can’t eat or sleep.

My therapist and I also talked about what I think is the heartbreaking truth about my sleep issues. While I was still living with him after Luna died, my sleep issues began but I at least had Dexter at my side to hold and comfort me and cried so many nights and mourned my sweet girl. Then moving into the house and not much time before my world came crashing around me when I found Dexter dead. My sleep worsened even with the increase in Prozac and adding hydroxyzine to help me sleep. I think my mind wanted to figure out what the hell happened and just kept playing everything over and over and waking up to see the asshole standing in my room some nights was creepy as fuck in hindsight. Then finding out 20 days later after the weekend I was just staying at Paula’s to relax and help her with the kids to find out that the asshole murdered my boy about killed me. It was my mind trying to figure out what he did, how he did it, what he did to my baby. Even reading the words from what the Sheriff stated from his statement to the police my mind felt like it wanted to crack and heart ripped out. I believe at this point that Shannon (dr) changed the anxiety med to Effexor and put me on clonazepam to help with the daily panic attacks that the waking thing was me having recurrent nightmare of picturing the asshole strangling and beating my boy and dropping him, cleaning him up, gluing his eyes closed and putting him under my bed and cleaning the room and somehow with a shit-eating grin of satisfaction for himself. The reason I feel this was what was waking me is the other night I had that clear nightmare and woke distraught and shaking. I shook a lot in the first two weeks after finding out about the murder and I still shake at times and sometimes it’s in conjunction with my multiple anxiety attacks in a day and other times it’s reading something or thinking something or however my brain is processing thoughts at the moment.

I know I really need to try to stop beating myself up for being with the asshole, letting him control me, letting him mentally and emotionally break me down. Also for what he did to my babies. It’s easy for others to look from the outside and say there are signs and this and that. It’s not as easy when you’re living with Jekyll and Hyde. Anyone who remotely thinks I wanted this for myself or that I wouldn’t do anything for Dexter & Luna doesn’t know me at all. They were my babies, even after he said that it was fucked up for me to think of them as my babies cause they were pets. They helped me stay sane, they helped with my anxiety, they made me feel loved and I know I was their Mommy. Anyone that loves pets would say the same thing. I didn’t want them to suffer, to have pain or be tortured or abused and sure as FUCK didn’t want them to be murdered. I will forever love them and I don’t feel I’m wasting my time by doing the petition, making sure news and the DA and Judge and Sheriff’s department and everyone else has the facts straight and what this means to me. I will be doing a memorial tattoo for my loves and I will be working on legislation for better justice.

For the animals, for animal lovers. For the furbabies, for the pet parents for love and justice for all.