Emotional Rescue

This time of the year near July 4th I become a bit emotional…no matter how hard I try to bury it or not show those emotions they seem to rear their ugly head’s to imho burden those around me. For those that have been reading I’ve covered a couple of reasons why this time of year is difficult for me and at the epicenter of it all is the sexual assault.  DJ is dead and I still have residual emotions left over from it. He didn’t just sexually assault me. Of course to him we just ‘had sex’….I said no, no consent was given. I told him to bring me home and he didn’t listen to me. It was an assault and it took away so much … it severed one of the most precious relationships I had in my life with one of my best friends, his wife. Aside from that I do blame him for having his own part of making me an anxiety ridden mess and fucked up. I hadn’t been back to Rhinelander very long from New York City where I was engaged and according to that guy he just needed a break. Now I know that was a bunch of fucking crap and that it was over when he pushed me to move out. There was no break but I wanted to believe that this man who I was engaged to who I looked at as the love of my life for many years just needed time but when this happened… the sexual assault I lost it… and I lost him in the process too. I felt too much pain, all kinds of pain that I didn’t want to feel at all. I was scared,  I was in physical pain and having daily and often early on multiple or entire day feeling like I was having a continuous panic attack. My existence sucked and I hated my life and yet I kept fighting and sometimes I still wonder why. Why she (my old friend, the wife) will not reach out to me, will not write or call or attempt any form of contact. Did I mean so little to her that she could just walk away? Did his words that it was just sex make her believe, really? Even with evidence otherwise? Doesn’t she miss me? Love me still? Think about me? I wonder these things all the time and I tried again to get in touch with a mutual friend and her sister-in-law figuring just maybe someone would respond but not a word has been returned. As for the guy I don’t know exactly when I stopped thinking about him every day and wondering how he is. I do not have the desire anymore to be with him, to marry him, to be with him or to even be friends with him. Why? I needed him and if he had truly loved me and it was just a break than he would’ve responded differently to contact back then. I feel he’s a coward and a liar and I don’t need him nor want him. And some may say why can you not to this with your friend, the wife? Just get over wanting to have her in my life or wanting to talk to her to know how her life is etc?  Some have told me it’s because I didn’t have control of the situation and that I am not the one that ended it and so that is why I’m having issues with it. I think it’s more than that and I don’t think it’s because of that. But these are the things that haunt me this time of year… mainly her but also memories of what he did to me and what he took away from me.