Hope and the butterflies

I’ve made comparisons to my life and the show Sex & the City… I was talking to my friend tonight over dinner and she was asking about the guy I’ve been sorta seeing, Mr. Big. The more she thought about it the more she understood why I refer to the situation as him being Mr. Big and that I’m Carrie. She took the role of Miranda cause she feels she does what Miranda did on the show with the Steve ex situation pretending or acting like you’re not still in love with the guy when he’s around when you really are. I told her I can’t be friends with an ex…at least some. I am friends with some of my exes and they’ve actually been helping me through my current situation. My Miranda also stated that she has a Mr. Big in her life which I found interesting. She said she thought that we all have a Mr. Big and I said that I hadn’t not until now.

So getting back to Mr. Big…lately or I should say two times he’s called me regarding things that seem very odd for him to call me on and it’s made me wonder a bit. I won’t disclose details but I find it a little odd for him to call me about them. One time I understood why he called me cause it was something I could answer with no issue but he didn’t have to call me on it. This other call I received seemed an odd question for me but I answered it to the best of what I could think. He also seems to go in these cycle’s of when he wants to text or call me. We’ll see each other one day and sometimes I’ll hear from him same day and maybe the next day but sometimes I won’t for days and it’s difficult for me to think that he’s into me when he does things like that. I do understand being busy. We all get busy in our lives but there was a time I was hearing from him one way or another every day and I liked that. I really did and it was showing me that he was putting in an effort to show me that it’s not just sex.

Mr. Big when I’ve been out with him, actually spending time with him which seems to be more-so a rare occasion these days has told me quite a few things and answered everything I’ve asked him and there’s really no reason for me to think he’s being dishonest. I guess what bothers me somewhat is that there’s things that aren’t quite adding up and there’s a lot about him that I do not know. I’ve found I’ve become braver about asking him things. I guess before I wasn’t asking so much to see if he would tell me things on his own time and own pace. I think I have to be more forward if I want to know more. I also have to ask in a way that it’s clear and brief. I know I overthink and sometimes over-explain things but that’s part of my nature and I have pointed that out to him. I think that it does bother him and that’s why he mentions it or states that I shouldn’t overthink whatever. But if he legitimately wouldn’t change anything about me he should accept the overthinking and over-explaining things as well. At least that’s my thoughts.

There’s also the pink elephant in the room now since I said those words that make men run. I’m thinking that when I did, that is why he disengaged from contact with me which made me question a lot of things, overthink and ultimately made me back myself off to distance myself in order to protect myself. I’ve done that often in my life, that self preservation that is such a strong part of who I am and how I do things. I have this wall and it’s not impenetrable…. he was able to make me feel something. I’ve been talking to friends about the situation and Paula asked if I really do have feelings or if it’s just the idea. I’ve been questioning myself as well and trying to search for answers. Honestly I do not feel that what I am feeling is lust… not that I haven’t had lustful feelings towards him. I’ve wondered if I’m obsessed with him…or if I just obsess about the situation at times when he’s missing in action. So I have these questions about love and if it is. How does one know?

I seen Mr. Big Tuesday, briefly…we talked a little about nothing in particular… made plans and I did get a couple kisses which is something that definitely makes me feel. But even seeing him makes me smile and feel those butterflies. I remember when he told me that I made him feel butterflies. One thing I wish is that it didn’t feel like at times we’ve progressed and other times regressed. I wish I knew what makes him run or pull away. Sometimes I have a general idea of the situation but it’s never really explained on his part and then he has returned several times. There are times that it frustrates me so much that I want to give up altogether to protect my heart but I keep trying because I feel something and I have that hope and his butterflies.

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