When I was 11

Warning upsetting and graphic

**Disclaimer: What I did is in no way shape or form what you should do if you’ve been sexually assaulted. I’m a survivor and wanted to share my story in hopes of shedding some light on the truth and perhaps to help someone else who has gone through something similar, to give you hope and perhaps courage and know that life does turn around.**

On August 21, 1984 three girls raped me. To back up a bit and give you some background information two of them had moved into a house with their Mother and Stepfather that summer. I spent the summer getting to know them and thought they were “friends”. But on this day I found out otherwise.

It was Hannah’s 13th birthday party and I was invited. After all the adults left it was just Hannah, her sister Heather who was 16 at the time and Lesley, Hannah’s friend from school. At first we were all in the basement playing Mary Worth. Stupid kids shit.

Heather and Lesley went upstairs for a while but when they came back down they told me they wanted to play a different game. So they took me in this tool closet and said they wanted me to sit on this chair. So I did. They put a handkerchief around my eyes as a blindfold but I started getting scared when they were pulling it on tightly. I started to struggle then and the other two grabbed my arms to hold me still. I started struggling more and they hit me. They also placed another handkerchief in my mouth as a gag so I wouldn’t scream. Then they ripped off my shirt and tied my hands behind my back with it. Then they took something else and tied my legs to the chair and left me there for a while in the closet with the door shut, tied up to a chair, gagged and blindfolded.

Later they came back down untied my legs and arms and dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom. There they stripped the rest of my clothes off and pushed me onto the bed. Two of them held me down and the other used her hands at first (I think I felt fingernails) but I know they also forced other objects into me. I was in a lot of pain and if I struggled they would beat me. This seemed to go on for a long time.

After each was done they dragged me into the living room and took off the blindfold and gag. They forced my head down onto them and told me to lick them and I can remember hating it and remember the smell and remember how much I wanted to either die myself or wanted them to die. I wanted to bite them or make them feel as much pain as they were making me feel. The more I resisted what they wanted me to do the more they beat the shit out of my back and wherever they punched me. I had bruises all over my back, front, face and I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

They forced me to kiss them and I never kissed anyone. I didn’t know how to do anything they wanted me to do. I was fucking 11. I was so mad and scared. I just wanted it all to end. It went on for hours. They kept threatening that they’d kill me if I said anything and I believed them. They also instilled it by the beatings.

When they were done with me they let me go into the bathroom to put my clothes back on. I struggled hard and was shaking badly but finished and just wanted to run from the house. They continued to yell at me telling me they would kill me and then Hannah took me home and kept saying this shit over and over. I remember going into my house and into my room and locking myself in there for hours. Days. I left to shower. I couldn’t get clean enough. I couldn’t stop hurting. It hurt. Everything hurt. I didn’t leave my room much for the next couple of weeks.

My parents were clueless and thought I was going through a phase and thought nothing of it that they didn’t see me at all. It was summer. I just locked myself away in my room. I didn’t want to leave and didn’t until they were at work and I would take endless baths and showers. The bruises started fading about a week and a half later and school was starting soon. It didn’t go well.

When I went back to school I started learning that there was rumors I was a lesbian going around the school and it really bothered me. I hated them. They also kept finding me when I would come home and beat me and tell me they would kill me. This continued for the next 4 years. The beatings, the torture of being beaten and harassed by people who thought I was a lesbian.

I tried proving people wrong and also started drinking and doing drugs heavily more and more as the years progressed. It never seemed like it would end. I got so bad that I was drinking almost every day and using drugs; Speed, marijuana and anything I could get my hands on.

I tried suicide several times and in many ways. I tried overdosing on speed, aspirin, alcohol, and nothing worked. I just kept getting sick. I tried drowning myself in my bathtub. I tried to suffocate myself with my pillow. I started cutting myself, cutting my chest, cutting my arms, my legs my wrists. The pain I caused myself felt good.

I was hurting myself and they kept trying new psychiatrists on me to figure out what was wrong but I wouldn’t talk to them. They tried counselors, psychologists, and therapists and finally they stopped. I got into high school and was drinking a lot… I finally tried to stop drinking cause I was getting so sick.

I also over-exercised and was very thin. I was probably 90 pounds or so at my lightest. I don’t know. I wouldn’t eat and I was getting so tired. I quit using drugs on my own except I couldn’t get away from drinking. Finally I went to a counselor and told them I wanted to quit drinking but didn’t know how. So they brought in someone and they decided it was best I go into alcohol treatment (inpatient treatment) I was 15 at the time.

I was there about 2 and a half weeks and I finally opened my mouth about all the torture and everything I had been going through. They brought in a social worker and investigator and I was in there for hours telling them every detail over and over. It was so painful. I was getting pissed at them cause they just kept staring at me. I was so uncomfortable and started yelling at them. My counselor at the time removed me from the room to calm me down a bit until I was able to return to the room. They said they were going to investigate it and see what they could do but said something to the effect of the statute of limits or the fact that they were underage would be a problem. Heather and Lesley admitted to it. NOTHING was done. Nothing and I was SO pissed off.

Hannah when I returned to school kept threatening to kill me and I went to the principal and told him that the Sheriff’s Department knew what happened. Heather had already dropped out of school and Lesley dropped out before I returned to school also. Shortly after I said something to my principal Hannah also disappeared from school. I only got few threats after that but I started finally getting credibility for everything after it all came out. People started believing me when I said I wasn’t a lesbian and people started hating what they did. The more I’ve told what they did to me the easier it got and I was in counseling for years.