It’s a new day, a new life…

What I am planning on doing with this blog are a few revamps. I’m still planning on displaying pictures of my adventures but addition to that or maybe (cause I haven’t quite decided and literally thinking and typing at the same time) start an additional blog. The more I think about it that’s likely what I’ll do and this is a complete ramble. But that’s fine. As long as I have a starting point to seriously writing. I feel this should be like a what’s new in the life of me and the other which has yet to be created will be dedicated to a new purpose I have in my life. What’s that you might ask? Well I’m a sexual assault survivor and what I would like to do is become a serious advocate for other survivors and start a crusade for change and awareness. There definitely needs to be more of that in this world.

There are many things that are or have been going on in my life. I’m still living in Corpus Christi, Texas and have officially been in this city for the last 2 years in March. My life has undergone and is in the process of going through more changes. I’m not scared of change, otherwise I’d still be living in Rhinelander, WI. I’m going through my second divorce and that’s okay, it’s an ending to a new beginning for my life. I look at it as it being what it is and that I didn’t wait or continue the relationship as long as I have in my past. That’s part of my innate self-preservation that I have and that most people have. I have ignored mine in the past for whatever reason at times, I called it trying to make it work but there’s only so much bullshit one should go through.  As I was growing up I looked at relationships and I had wanted what my grandparents had, that long-lasting marriage that actually had a wedding instead of both mine getting married in a courthouse by a judge. It really doesn’t matter where you get married and I had dreamed of a small intimate wedding surrounded by the people I love, my best friends Paula, Jodi and Beth with or without their husbands and kids, my Dad, my Grandma and some of my other close family and of course the man I was going to marry. I wanted it to be on a beach perhaps, kind of like what my cousin Mandy did when she got married or have an intimate destination wedding like what my Dad did when he married my step Mom. I’d still in that situation would like at least one of my best friends there and to wear the pretty dress and have flowers and be the beautiful bride. And now? Yea as this chapter closes I feel there’s a lot of re-evaluating things in my life which is part of why I decided to try to write here and I don’t give flying fuck who reads this or who doesn’t.  This is me, helping myself and sorting through the bullshit.

My friend Traci who has way too many items on her plate these days with her job and things had sent some of her writing to me and I had told her that I always wanted to try to become a serious writer. Does that mean I want to do books? Idk but it has to start somewhere and I felt this is as good as any to start that process. Part of that will be the blog which I plan on starting for my crusade against abuse… not limited to sexual assault but also domestic violence and other ways people are abused in their lives. My crusade for change. John Lennon once said ‘You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us and the World will live as One’. Before someone gets all snarky or stupid about me picking Imagine, it’s a song I have always identified with. I think that anyone that has gone through the amount of abuse and neglect and hardships has at least that one part of themselves that dreams of world peace. I used to laugh once upon a time when I’d watch Miss America pageants and those ladies wishing for world peace. Just because something seems far-fetched in your lifetime should you scoff at it? I think it needs to start somewhere.  As long as we are actually trying to do something about it. There’s so much hate in this world. People are unkind to one another and it just seems to be getting worse as time wears on.

I’ve always considered myself to be a nice person, probably too nice for my own good at times. That doesn’t mean I want to not be nice, in fact I’m hoping by opening up here and allowing whomever actually decides to read my ramblings that you’ll actually get to know me on a deeper level. That’s a little scary for me considering my privacy so I look at this as baby steps but if you’re a keen observer as you read more of what seems to be nonsense I think you may get a feel of what makes me who I am. Feel free to comment or follow this or if you know me personally you can talk to me about what you’ve read, ask questions and maybe find out something new about me.  Baby steps… not necessarily slow because as my friends know I’m not a spring chicken anymore and in a week I’ll be 43. I’m a strong believer in life is too short and one should take chances instead of making excuses why you shouldn’t or won’t. Be adventurous, step outside your little bubble. Live. That’s what I want to do. Having said that I’ll say that hasn’t always been (even now at times) the case… I have a dark passenger. I have anxiety (paired with panic attacks, most likely ptsd from the sexual assault) and paired with ocd, claustrophobia (at times), some depression and the darkest of dark passengers suicidal thoughts. I have felt alone and isolated and not knowing what to do, who to talk to or turn to and not wanting to burden my family or my friends and I have felt that if I did this then I’d be ending my own pain. People don’t like when you talk to them about suicidal thoughts either and part of it is I think the stigma and part of it is they don’t know what to do or to say or feel helpless. The person that is trying to talk to you about their thoughts is also feeling helpless which is why they’ve trusted you with those thoughts and their deep personal feelings. It shouldn’t be dismissed or misunderstood and it needs to be another thing that people need to become aware of in this world. Again that crusade for change and this phoenix transforming once again. What do I mean by that? I’m still me but because I feel like I have been buried or buried myself I’m ready to open up and allow people to see me whether they like it or not. Free will is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

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